It's Time!

Camp NaNo time!

I am going to write a book!

I'm off to start!  Wish me luck!

Woohoo

Just found out we will be having a mini vacation next weekend!

SO looking forward to that!

That's it for tonight, I'm super tired and burned out!

Tomorrow, I begin writing a book!

Damn you!

PMS is kicking my ass.  I've had to take Happy Camper a couple times, Midol a couple times.  I'm super tired, generally feeling down.  Not wanting to do anything.  Hating all the people around me (minus Master and DD of course!).  I've been craving crappy ass food, and all that.

I am fighting it, but losing the fight.  I hate this.  Plus I'm late.  I get to this point and I am actually HOPING I would start.

I just don't want to be tired anymore.  I don't want to be so down, and moody.  And I don't know how much of it is my PMS and how much is working full time and just being worn down from that.

Anyway, at least it's summer, that seems to help me fight this off.  I did manage two walks today, one at lunch and one with DD.

Now to finish my housework!

Ramblings

I have a feeling this will be one of those blogs that bounce around all over the place.

Today at work sucked.  The day after a holiday (when we are closed) is always crazy, cause we were closed for the day, and that means catch up on our part.  Sucks, then when you have a manager that isn't always there, and when he is, he stays in his office, add to that, an assistant manager who is sooooo freaking slow.  It just sucks.  Then, at 4:30, half an hour before close, just when everything is almost done and we are almost caught up, the Fucking computers go down!!!!!  It came up about 45 minutes after we closed.  So we only got out of work an hour late.  *sigh*

I got a work out in, that was nice.

Yesterday Master and I tried out him controlling me completely.  He chose all my meals, what I wore, what I did.  He did let me read a lot, and nap, which was nice.  I liked it for the most part.  I don't know if we can do that on a daily basis, but he did say he'd be willing to do that again this Sunday, which we both have off.  So I'm looking forward to that.

I am doing Camp NANOWRIMO this June.  I can't wait, I plan to try to write 2000 words a day, but we'll see where the story takes me.  I'm going to work on getting everything done, so I have an hour every night to write.  I'm hoping to self publish on Kindle.  And yes, this first book with be BDSM related.

I got my cane, but we've only played with it a little, I'm hoping for a really good caning soon.  I'll have to ask Master about that the next time we have a chance to play.

I guess that's it for now.

Selfish

I woke up this morning in a funk.  Not only in a funk, but feeling selfish.  I was unhappy with everything.  I want so much more.  I want what I see that other people have.  I want to have a M/s relationship like the ones I read about online.  I want to not have to work anymore. I want all our debt gone.  I want so much.

And normally I would feel selfish for feeling that way, but today I didn't.  In fact, I kept getting more and more pissed.  I was in a bad place.

I'm pretty sure it's PMS, but I just didn't give a shit.  I was in a bad place mentally.

I gave in while I was at work and took my Happy Camper.  And thank God it work!  I was in a much better mood the rest of the day.  So I was able to enjoy my lunch with Master and DD, make it through work, and, so far, enjoy my evening at home.

I ordered a cane last week.  It came Monday, but we haven't had a chance to use it yet.  I'm really hoping we get to break it in tonight!

If not, I may have to break out the Happy Camper again tomorrow.

Another week

So, here I sit, ready to begin another week.

I can not wait for the end of the school year, to have a little more free time.

Tomorrow is the last night of scouts.  Tuesday I get to go with DD to orientation for Middle School.  It seems like almost every night there is something going on.

But the funny thing is, I'll be ready for it all to start again come September.

Master has tomorrow off, I'm hoping he feels well enough to play tomorrow night.  He's been sick, and Friday and Saturday he was pretty bad off.  He slept most of the time from 10pm Friday night until 5 pm Saturday.  He seemed in better spirits today, so I'm hoping he keeps getting better.

So, here's to another week, planning to keep calm, do my best, and try to stay on top of things.

The little things

This is something I was going to post last night, but I got too tired.  Being in the cranky mood I am right now, it may do me some good to write this.

Yesterday Master did a couple things that, probably wouldn't mean anything to the average person, but to me they just made me love him more.

First off, it was DD's birthday yesterday.  He asked me to swap cars before I went to work and take "his" truck, cause she likes my truck better, and he was going to be driving her around.  I thought that was sweet.

Also, he pawned a ring.  He works in a restaurant, and people leave stuff behind all the time.  After a while, if they don't come get it, depending on what it is, he takes it.  He found a few rings, so yesterday, in order to be able to spoil DD a little on her birthday, he took them in and pawned the one that was worth anything.  He got enough money for us to do a nice dinner yesterday, and for them to do something fun today, like a movie or something.

I don't know why that affected me, but it did, it put me in a great mood the rest of the day.

But, he also affects me in other ways.

Last night, the two of us were exhausted.  By the time DD went to bed, it was 10, I had been up since 6, and he was running on not much sleep.  He was already dozing on the couch, so I climbed into bed at 10:30.  He followed me a few minutes later, and I was hoping he would try to fool around with me, but instead he snuggled me, and we both fell asleep.

I know we both needed the sleep, he slept most of the night, and I slept till 6, but I am cranky as all hell this morning.  I've noticed this happens anytime that Master is home for the night and we don't take advantage of it. I'm in a mood the next day.

I'm trying to shake it off, because he is off again today, and I don't want to be bitchy when we have time together.  But right now, I just feel like crying.

12 Years Ago

Twelve years ago today, I spent 22 out of 24 hours in labor.  From 2 am, until 3 am the following day, I was in labor.  Then my wonderful baby girl was born.

Tomorrow she will be 12.

I can't believe how quickly she has grown.  She is becoming quite the individual.  She is smart, funny, quirky, loving, caring, and wonderful.

She is autistic, and with each passing year she is learning to deal with, and handle, more and more.  Now, most people wouldn't even know, for the most part.

She is one of my best friends, and goes with me almost everywhere.  I have been able to do so many things, and meet so many people because of her.

I can't wait to see where the next 12 years take her, she will be 24 then, and I'm sure, doing so many wonderful things!

I love my girl!  And I thank God every day for blessing me with her!

Will power

I have none.

I want to lose weight, yet I eat and don't work out.

I want to write, yet I just find other things to do.

I want a clean house, yet I would rather play online.

I have to admit.  I did tackle some of the house today.  I wiped down the bathroom walls and ceiling with bleach and it looks tons better.

I also helped DD clean part of her room today.

I still need to tackle the kitchen, and some laundry.  Which I will start on after this blog.

I'm going to work on getting my routines down.  Becoming more disciplined, doing more to make the changes I want to make.

And, to those that are mothers, Happy Mother's Day!

Big Girl Panties

It's time to pull on my big girl panties and be a grown up.

I need to get my act together, stop spending so much time online, and watching tv, and more time cleaning and getting things done around the house.

My house is a disaster, and Master has just agreed to let us (DD, he and I) sign up to possibly be a host family for an exchange student.  Two weeks during the summer.

Not sure if they do a home inspection, I wouldn't be surprised if they did, but if they did it today, they would find my house a mess.

I am working on a list, both things that have to be done on a regular basis, and things that need to be done once (like recaulking the bathtub).

I plan to do a bunch of it this weekend, and then maintain it.  The biggest problem will be DD's room, which makes the rest of the house look clean and organized.  Normally I don't care, but she wants to have a sleep over for her birthday next weekend, and then, if we get to, the exchange student will have her room for the two weeks, and DD will be in the library room.

SO, tomorrow, despite my busy schedule, I will be putting on my big girl panties, and getting shit done.  Time to start behaving like a grown up!

Fresh Air

Both literally and figuratively.

All the windows are open in the house, and there is a nice cool breeze blowing through the house.  It's nights like this that I sleep so well!  I can't wait to crawl into bed.

It's also the weekend, and Master will be home all weekend with me.  At least, once he gets home tonight (tomorrow).  It will be so nice to have some time with him, without too many other commitments.  And, the commitments we do have are DD involved, so it's a family thing anyway!

And, today was my last day at work at the old branch.  I will say, other than one person, I won't really miss that branch at all.  There are just too many people only worried about themselves and not how the branch is run, or helping each other.  It will be so nice to be done with that.

I'm still not sure how everything will work with me being full time, but it's what's got to be done for our family right now, so I will do it.  And we will make it work.  I'm just going to miss Master soo much!

Well, I should be off to bed.  Master mentioned ropes and whips this weekend, so here's hoping for some excitement!

Trying not to overthink

So, today was my first day working at my new branch.  I'm there Thursday as well, then Monday I start full time.

Over all it was good, all but one person was super friendly and nice.  And not that the one person was mean, she was just keeping to herself, and that may just be how she is, I don't know.

I think part of the problem is, I have already worked with the boss, and he and I get along well enough now.  Although, I used to not like him that much.  And I'm wondering how many people aren't getting along with him now, since he's just been there a few weeks.  And I wonder if that is reflecting on me.

If it is, whatever, I don't care.  I plan to learn to do my job well, and do it well.  I need to get my act together and get some referrals at this branch too.

Anyway, I'm super tired.  I may have to go to bed earlier, or at least no later than 11 on work nights.  And, since I still have a bit of picking up to do, I'm cutting this short.  Good thing is, I don't work till 11 tomorrow, so I can nap a bit before work!

Oh, and Master, he is awesome!  More on that tomorrow!

Sigh

So, today at work confirmed that I made the right choice on going to a new branch.  I can't wait to get there, which I will be there tomorrow.

I am tired of working with lazy people, that don't know what they are doing.  It will be a breath of fresh air to work with people that actually work, and try to get shit done.

Plus, I need to get on track with my sales, and hopefully working at this branch will help.  Plus, if I do well at my sales, I will actually make more money, and not really notice the payment for insurance coming out.

Anyway, I'm excited about tomorrow, and nervous, I get to work at my new branch and learn how they do things, it's helpful that I already know the boss, I'm just hoping I get along with everyone else.  But hell, it can't get worse than it is now!

Flexibility

And no, I don't mean being all bendy and stuff, though I would like to be!

No, I mean going with the flow and doing my best not to be all pouty and disappointed when things doing go the way I had in mind.

This weekend I had plans, both with and with out Master, but not much went the way I hoped.  I am happy was able to help my sister today.  I was happy to help yesterday with Girl Scouts.

But damn it!  I wish I could have spent the whole weekend just enjoying Master's company.  I'm hoping that tonight goes really well.  I've been told I will be tied up and tourtured, and I sure as hell hope that's what happens, I could use a nice distraction tonight.

I just hope I'm not too tired.

Got it!

I officially got the full time job today!

I am going to have to talk to Master, I will need more of a routine at home, to get things done, more structure.  I don't know....

I'm tired, and should go to bed, but I'm probably going to tidy the house and read more of 50 Shades Freed.

Night all

Things to come

So tired, spent the day helping run a giant garage sale for Girl Scouts.  I spent from 8:30 in the morning, till 6:30 in the evening, sitting outside, freezing.  I'm exhausted, but we are off to a good start for our fundraiser, so it was worth it.  Thankfully, depending on how you look at it, I won't be able to work it again until Sunday.

So, I get my first allowance tomorrow.  I get 15 dollars every 2 weeks, to spend on whatever I want.  Tomorrow I buy the last book in the Shades of Grey series.  I'll have to write more about that once I finished the third book, which shouldn't take too long.

Then, I'm going to save up for a cane.  My game plan, for now, is to use every other allowance for a book for my kindle, and then rest will be saved for toys and such, like a cane, wax, and who knows what else.  I'm excited.

Anyway, I'm exhausted, I'm going to bed.

Night night!

Learning my limits

I'm slowly learning my limits, that I can't do everything I want to do.  That I can't be there for everything, that I have to hand over things to other people.

I had my interview today, for the full time position at the other branch.  I'm unsure how it went, some things seemed fine, but my sales are my weakness, so I'm not sure how badly that will hold me back.

So, while I'm learning already I have my limits, once I (hopefully) get full time, I will have to limit my "extra curricular activities" even more.  I will need to focus as much extra time on my home and family as I can, especially since Master and I will have even more limited time together.  So to give up any of that for other things, well, I'm going to do my best not to let that happen.

On that note, I have a super busy weekend coming up, so I need to finish up my chores tonight and get the house all set, and ready to go, and just maintain it.  The only thing holding me back is my heel pain, that started last night, and while it was gone most of the day today, it's coming back the more I'm on my feet.

I'll just take it slow and do my best!

In love

I swear, I must be the luckiest girl in the world.

My husband, my Master, indulges me so much.  I tell him something I want to try, and he does it.

My Master knows how to take care of me, he knows what's best for me, he surprises me all the time.

I don't know what I did to get so lucky, all I know is, I hope that I can be a good enough sub, a good enough slave, to show him how much I love, appreciate, worship and adore him.  I want to serve him, in all the things I do.

I love you Master, and thank you.

Looking forward

Ok, I'm not sure if it's that my PMS that lasted a month is gone, or that things are just looking up, but I am so hopeful for the future.

Master is agreeable to so much that I'm asking of him, he seems to be in a good mood lately too, despite work.
He is helping me work on my weight, slowly taking away bad foods, and adding good foods, or good habits.  He agreed to talking to me while I cum, which I asked him to do, because I want to see if I can be trained to cum on command.  He also agreed to let me play with myself, but not cum, to keep me always wanting, until he decides to let me cum.

We are working together to get the house in shape, and everything fixed and running the way it's supposed to, we got a few things done in the basement yesterday, I'm still working on getting it cleaned up, there will be a lot of work to do to get it organized, and one last thing that needs to be done will be cleaning the dryer vent.

I have an interview for a full time position in the company I work for.  It will be at a different location, but if I get full time, it means health insurance for our family, and a little extra money a month.  Which would be great!

Plus, with all the cleaning I've been doing, I am going to start posting things on Craigslist, Ebay, and with the crafting DD and I are doing, post things on Etsy.  Even if we don't make tons of money, every little bit counts.

AND!  Master has agreed to give me an allowance.  There are two things I will be saving for, not sure which to do first, and that's the 3rd book in the Shades of Grey series (although, from what I hear, I'm not going to like the direction it heads) and a cane.  I think I'll be alternating between books and toys.  But I really really want a cane.

I'm getting back on track with routines starting tomorrow, I'm looking forward to a busy, but good week.  And Master has tomorrow off, so PLAYTIME!!!!

Full time

So, today I applied for a full time position at another branch.

While I don't want to work at all, it's what I have to do for my family.  It will be more hours, which means, of course, more money, but most importantly, it means insurance I can afford.

Right now, at part time, basic insurance for my family would be around 400 dollars per check, which is about what I make on each check.  So, we would be back to where we were before I started working, not having enough money to live on.

So, going full time, it would go down to 200 a check, and I would be getting more hours, so I would have insurance, and a tiny bit more money than I'm bringing home now.

Another plus that will come from my working full time is routine.

I thrive on routine.  Knowing what's going to happen and when every day, that helps me keep on track, and on the ball.  I will also learn to prioritize better too, or at least I'd better.

The biggest downfall is less time with Master and DD.  But, we will make the most of what time we do have together, so that will be good.

On another note, Master is helping me with my weight loss now.  I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow, and will start then.

2 Days a week, doing weights at the Y, 2 days a week, doing cardio (walking or running) at home or at the Y.

I asked him for help with eating too, so I am to eat 1 fruit a day, and I am to cut out any chicken that is fried.  So no nuggets, fried chicken, chicken wings etc.  Just grilled chicken.

So far these steps sound easy.  I'm looking forward to being in better shape, and feeling sexier and healthier too!

Here's to new beginnings!

I'm your Secretary

Master and I watched Secretary last night per my request.

I love that movie so much!  That is my ideal.

The main reason why I wanted to watch it is because I've read the first two books in the 50 Shades Trilogy, and I heard rumors about the 3rd book, and felt let down.  So, I wanted to watch a movie that had my ideal Dom in it, Mr E Edward Grey.

I also got to suck Master's cock while we watched it, AND managed to make him cum while doing so, which doesn't happen often, so I was pretty damn pleased with myself.

I've asked Master if we can step it up a bit as far as control goes, and I really hope he does.  He has come up with a workout schedule for me, so that is a wonderful start.

I'm so lucky to have a husband willing to try all this!  I love him so much!

Journal Prompt

Here's a journal prompt for today:

What do you need that you are currently not getting?

Well, aside from money and sleep....lol.

I'm not getting control, and pain.  Master and I seem to be in one of our down times, I know it happens with everyone, but I'm feeling very vanilla, very plain.  Don't get me wrong, the sex has still be great, but, I don't know, I feel the urge to have it stepped up a bit.  I need a firm hand, both in and out of the bedroom.  Maybe have to start giving him some ideas?  Or just flat out asking for things?

We'll see.

Down again

Had the last two days off with Master.

Yesterday, and most of today I was in a good mood.

Come this evening, while we were out as a family, my mood shifted.

I don't know what my problem is, but I'm feeling down.  I swear there were a few times that I could have just cried. No reason.

I don't know what is causing this.  It could be that I just finished reading 50 Shades of Grey, and don't know what to read now.  It could be cause I was trying to find a dress to wear to a wedding and I couldn't find one that wasn't for a super skinny person.  It could be that I was supposed to start my period on the 30th, and still haven't.  It could be that I still don't know what is going on with my possibly working full time.  It could be just that I was feeling like crap cause my 2 days were coming to an end.

I don't know, I hate that I've been feeling like this so much lately.  I just wanna be happy again, and I feel like none of the normal things are working.

Limbo

In limbo, waiting for something to happen, many things actually, and I'm getting to the point where I don't care what the result is, I just want to be able to move on.

On a positive note, Master and I have the next two days off together!  Should do my emotions and mentality some good.

Blah

First and foremost, Happy Easter.  I had a nice Easter holiday, despite Master having to work today.

But I feel blah.

TMI WARNING!

I'm over a week late now.  And while an irregular cycle is nothing new, what happens is, I continue to pms worse and worse until it finally shows up, sometimes 6 months later.  So, my tiredness, my grouchiness, my back pain, panic attacks, will just continue until it finally shows up.

Now, part of me doesn't care if it every comes back, but part of my would LOVE that feeling of relief from these symptoms that happen about halfway through my period.

Anyway, I guess that's all for now, I'm off to clean a chinchilla cage, and read more of Hunger Games book 2!

Journal Prompt

What are your Owner’s daily expectations of you?


To be honest, I don't know for sure. But I'll take a stab at it.  


I think he expects me to keep the house functioning.  Keeping it tidy, making sure laundry is done, animals are fed, our daughter is taken care of, and happy, that I'm on top of things.  


Other than that I don't know, some times, like days like today, I wish I had more rigid rules and such to follow, so I would know what was expected of me, but there are days I like the laid backness we have.


I do think, with changes coming, I'm going to need a stricter routine and such, and I'm hoping he will help with that.  

Holy Days

Today is Maundy Thursday, or Holy Thursday, if you prefer.

DD and I went to church tonight.  I cried, as I do often at church.  I don't know what it is, but I get hyper emotional at church.

Tonight it was the washing of the feet that set me off.

Watching wives wash their husbands feet, husbands wash their wives feet, daughters washing their mothers feet, even our Priest washing a nun's feet.  It was touching, moving, and it reminded me of how I feel when I serve Master.

I enjoy being humble, I enjoy doing for others in general.  I find great joy in that.

But I want/need to focus more on doing more for my family right now. That is something I hope to start working on by the end of this month.

Tomorrow, I know I need to bring tissues with me, Good Friday.  Very emotional service for me.

I am grateful that I have faith in such a loving and wonderful God.

Reading

So, I don't know what was going on with me for a while now, but I had lost all interest in things I used to enjoy.  Crafting, reading, lots of stuff.

Recently I got back into crafting, slowly, not as much as I used to do, but I'm getting back into the swing of things.

And today, I found joy in reading again.

My sister got me a kindle fire for Christmas (she spoils me), and today I downloaded Hunger Games.

I love this book.  I will most likely finish it tonight, and then have to ask Master if I can buy the next one.  I want to read the whole trilogy, and then I hope to work on 50 Shades of Grey.

I'm also hoping to get in the habit of writing, I've got about 3-4 ideas running through my head.  I just need to force myself to sit down and write them.

There are changes coming, I can't talk about, since you never know who may be reading this.  But once they happen I hope to develop a routine, and that will be a very good thing for me.

I'm off to read more!

Happy Camper

It is a wonderful new "drug" I was introduced too.

It's from the health food store, and I'm hoping to get some, to see how well it helps when taken daily, to keep my moods a little more regulated.

A co-worker gave me two today, and it sure as hell improved my mood today!

I can't wait for the boss to transfer.  Not sure if I posted about that yet, but the boss at work is being transferred to another branch, and we are getting a new manager...YEA!  The problem is, he's all worked up about getting shit (much of it that should have been done already) done before the end of this week.  And he seems to be being a bigger douche than normal.

Cool thing is, I have tomorrow off, and then there is just two more days with him!  WOOHOO!

Now, fingers crossed the new manager will be cool.

DD is on spring break this week, and while Master does work tomorrow, we should be able to do something as a family, and I'm really looking forward to it!

I guess that's all the rambling for today!

Emotional

I hate being a girl.  I hate hormones and PMS.  I hate that while I know why I currently feel the way I do, I can't stop it.

I've been tired and depressed on and off for about a week.  My period is late, my back hurts, I'm emotional.  I want to make tons of changes, do a bunch of things, but I have no energy to do any of it.

I went to the mall with my daughter today.  I hate the mall, and today, even the few stores I do care for in the mall, I couldn't stand today.

I feel down, unhappy, not pretty, fat, just blah.

I think part of the reason I don't like going to the mall is because it just reinforces that I'm not good enough.  I don't have enough money to buy things, I'm not thin enough to fit into the clothes there, I'm not young enough to  be there in general.

I'm just feeling down on myself.  I don't enjoy feeling this way.

I'm thinking about going to bed and just sleeping.

Balance

I need to find balance.  I need to be able to balance my work time and home time.  I need to find a balance for my emotions.  I need to find a balance between playing on line, crafting and doing my chores.  I need to find a balance for working on and eating healthy.

I feel like I hyper focus on one thing, and then everything else goes to shit, then I focus on whatever is falling apart, and the other things go by the wayside.

I want to be able to do it all, I need to find a way to do it.  To work, possibly full time, still keep up with the house work, start cooking more at home, and helping my family eat healthier, to work out on a regular basis, so I can become healthier, and fitter.

I am going to have to cut back on my online time.  I want to be able to craft more, build up a stash for when craft shows come around again, in the fall.

I also want to set aside time for writing daily.

Plus, we CAN'T forget family time and play time!

Now, to find a way to add more than 24 hours into a day!

Time with Master

I love my time with Master.

It doesn't matter what we are doing, just being in the same room with him makes me happy!

We had a little time together yesterday before I had to go to work, and then a little time after work as well.  And of course, we had play time.

Today, I had to work, but we've had the afternoon together, and went to church together this evening.  Now we are chilling out, watching the Green Hornet, and such.  I'm assuming we'll have playtime again tonight.

I really miss being a SAHM, cause we got to spend so much more time together.  BUT, I really don't think I totally appreciated the time we had together like I do now.

Like, nights he doesn't work, I feel like we have to have playtime, we have to take advantage of that time as much as possible.

I still wish neither one of us had to work, and we could just enjoy each other all the time, but for now, we have to do what we have to do.

Dreaming

We did buy lotto tickets, 15 dollars worth in fact.  And while, realistically, I know we won't win, it is so fun, just for these next couple hours, to dream.

To think about what it would be like to have more money than you could ever possibly use.

I would pay off my debts, credit cards, house, medical bills, etc.  We would buy new cars, probably a new house, I would pay off all my family's debt too.  My dad, my mom, my grandma, my sisters, my brothers, I would make sure they had a clean slate, at least.

I'm sure we would invest, get money set aside to make sure DD was set for life, for if she wanted to go to school, whatever.

I would take care of my dearest friends too.  There's not that many of them, but I would do my best to help them out.  Especially my BFF.

Now for real dreams, and the selfish stuff.

I would buy real estate, I would love to own properties and rent them out.  I would love to have a big house, with lots of land around it to live on.  Maybe some horses.  I would buy an RV, so we could travel around the country, I would also probably hire staff, including a teacher, so we could do whatever we wanted year round, with out having to worry about school.

I would love to travel to Europe as well.

Another thing I would love to do, own a BDSM Bed and Breakfast, with dungeons.

There's lots more things, like buying a new laptop of each of us, with Sims 3 for me.  Getting a personal trainer and cook so I could get in shape, iPhones, clothes, spa days, lots and lots of fun stuff.

Not to mention, donating to things, like Girl Scouts, Salvation Army, HUB, and other things that, things that made a difference in my life.

The changes it could make are endless.

But again, these are just dreams, fun to think about.

But what I need to do is focus on my crafting, and my writing, with my writing, I may, some day, make some money.

Need to get to work on that.

Crafty

I've been bitten by the crafting bug again.  I knit a dishcloth the other day, and the last few days I've been working on my new thing, Duct Tape Wallets.  I made one for DD, and a couple others, then Master requested one.  A plain duct tape silver one.  I happily bought some tape for that and made him one tonight.

I have loved crafts since I was taught to crochet about 10 or so years ago.  I can also knit (basic) and do a few odd and end things, like Quilling, and Kumihimo braiding (which is how I made my collar and cuffs).

In all the time I've been crafting, Master has only asked for a handful of things, the wallet, a hat this winter (since he has been shaving his head), and a couple years ago, a blanket.  It was what was referred to online as a 3 SUB.  A 3 strand ugly blanket.  You take 3 strands of yarn, any colors, and crochet with it, as one color runs out you replace it with another color.  The trick is to try your best from using matching colors.  Anyway, it's huge (big enough for a queen sized bed) and super warm, and he uses it all the time.

I have come to realize, I love making things for Master, I love when he sees me making things and asks me to make him one.  It makes me feel useful, wanted and special.  That I can do something special for him.

I hope I can make more things for him in the future.

So tired

I don't know why, but I've been super tired since this weekend.  I did manage to squeeze in a run today, got 3.1 miles in in 55.19 minutes.  I have a plan to make that shorter and shorter, while making the actual time I run longer and longer.  So far it's going good.

But I feel like a slacker.  The dining room and kitchen are a mess, I really need to start tackling the basement, and so many other things, but all I want to do right now is crawl into bed.

Tomorrow I'm off, still don't know if I will be full time anytime soon, so I'm hoping to get some stuff tackled tomorrow.  But what I'm really looking forward to tomorrow, is that Master and I are supposed to have play time tomorrow!  I can't wait!

And, we'll even have some family time together tomorrow too.

Guess I should go to bed and rest up for tomorrow!

Away

Master, DD and I went away this weekend.

It was nice.  Laid back, not too much drama (we went with my Dad, step mom, 1 brother, 2 step sisters, 1 BIL and a niece and nephew. )

We spent some time together as a big group, Master and I got some time by our selves, and we even got total alone time at the casino.

We didn't win anything, in fact, we lost a bit of money at the casino, but that's ok.  We had fun this weekend, and that is what matters.

In fact, Master made it a new rule that we have to get away, even if it's just for the weekend, a couple times a year at least.  I really like that rule.  It's nice to be somewhere and not feel like there is so much I should be doing.  In fact, I didn't even bring my laptop, which is why there was no blog, blogging on my kindle would have been a lot of work.

Today is my birthday as well.  While I had to work, and do Girl Scouts, Master said I could do whatever I wanted today, so I did do some cleaning, but am blowing off what wasn't done, and I'll get it caught up tomorrow.

Still waiting to hear about the promotion.  We'll see.

Guess that's it, now back to your regularly scheduled program!

One more day

Tomorrow will be a good day, especially once it's done, or at least, once the work day is done, cause  so many things should go right.

Tomorrow we are SUPPOSED to find out who gets the lead position at work.  While I would like it, and could use the raise, I'm just looking forward to us knowing, and filling the position so things can, hopefully, run smoother at work.

Then Saturday, early morning, we are going on a mini vacation with my dad's side of the family.  Which I have mixed emotions about, but am feeling better about now.  Hoping the hotel is haunted.....

And tomorrow night, my non-related BFF and I, and our daughters (who are bff's) are going to my old high school to see their musical!

Should be a fun night!

It's going to be a busy, but hopefully really good weekend, and I'm going to do my best to enjoy every minute of it!

My Master

Today is 14 years that Master and I have been married.  We have been together for 16.  We have been together since I was 19.  Basically my whole adult life.  Almost half my life.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

My Master got the short end of the stick when we got together.  I was a messed up girl, from a messed up family, with a whole host of issues to deal with.

He has slowly helped me, possibly unknowingly, becoming the person I am today.  He is my life, other than our daughter, and I would do anything for him.  I want to help make him happy, I want to do so much for him.  To do for him, what he did for me, in short, I do believe, he saved me from myself.

I was on a bad road, doing stupid things, when I met him.  He said, from all he had heard about me, he didn't expect someone like me.  And I'm not surprised.  Thankfully, he got past the rumors, and agreed to go out with me, when I asked him out, in my round about way.  (Thank God for lemons, and whipped cream)

He was working in the kitchen and I asked him for whipped cream, he asked what I would give him in return, I told him I would love him forever.  Then later when I needed lemons, he said that since I'm already going to love him forever, what would I give him, and I said I would go out with him on a date.  Later I went up and we decided when would go out.

The first date was the clincher for me.  The fact that all he did was kiss me goodnight afterwards, and didn't try to take me home to fuck me.  I walked in the door and informed my sister that I was going to marry that man.

And I did.

He is the cheese to my macaroni, he is my rock, he is my sounding board, he is my lover and my best friend, he is my husband, he is my Master.  He is my one and only.

I love him so much,and I hope he knows that.

Afternoon Delight

So, I got off work on time, and DD had an after school event to attend, SOOO!

Master and I got to squeeze in some play time.  It was nice, to come home, find him waiting in bed for me.  It was really nice, especially when I was rubbing his cock, teasing him, and he flipped me over on the bed and fucked me.  I love when he is forceful!  MMMM.

Then, I ate lunch, and Master and I watched the season finale of Walking Dead.  LOVE that show!!!

DD and I went to the Y, worked out, and then stopped to buy a little gift for Master.

Tomorrow is our 14th Wedding Anniversary, and while we weren't going to get anything for each other, his buckle on his good belt broke.  SO!  DD and I went and got him a belt buckle....a SPOCK belt buckle.  I really hope he likes it!  I am leaving it on his laptop so he can get it when he gets home!  I will probably get up to watch him open it.

I'll write more about Master and our anniversary tomorrow, since tomorrow is our anniversary.

I am going out with my sister for a while tomorrow, we are going to lunch, and she is taking me somewhere to get my birthday gift.  I have an idea of what it may be, but we will see.

Well, I should get going, going to finish picking up the house, have a snack, and start a playlist for this weekend, we are going on a road trip, so I'll need some tunes to drive to!

Blah

I'm in a funk.

There is so much drama going on, with Girl Scouts, at work, just in general.  I'm so sick of people and their bull shit.  It doesn't help that I'm so freaking tired all the time.  I need to get more sleep, I need to get things done around the house, I need to quit wasting so much time online.  I need to exercise more, and eat less crap.

I need to get my ass off the computer right now and do stuff.

So, here I go.

Almost done

We had our last cookie booth today, of the season, and as of March 25th, the sale is OVER!  I can't wait!

On the plus side, my daughter may hit 500 boxes of cookies!  She passed 400 today and is almost to 500 already!

I had a good night last night, play with Master, stayed up till 2, and had to get up at 7 to sell cookies all day, so I'm super tired.  Going to finish up a few things and crash in bed, I can't wait to climb in there and fall asleep!

I'll trade you!

So, lately I've seen a few people that don't appreciate what they have as far as mothers go.

I don't have the best relationship with my mother.  She never WAS a mother, more like a sister, and while I understand she has some issues that make it harder for her to be a "normal" mom, somethings, like the Alcoholism, were totally her choice.

So, when I see people who have mothers that do things for them, be it normal things like visiting, or calling on a regular basis, hell, even sending a birthday card would be a step up.

But then, I know mom's who are also grandma's.  They watch their grandkids on a regular (some on a daily) basis.  I know of one that has her grandkids more than her daughter does.  I know one that takes her granddaughter to all her functions, like scouts, field trips, etc.

I know that these grandmothers do more for their grandkids than the mothers do, and if it weren't for the Grandmothers (like my own grandmother did for me) then the kids would suffer.  But then to see the daughters of these wonderful women call them a bitch, or a backstabber, or whatever, pisses me off.

My daughter would love to have a grandmother that visited on a regular basis, that remembered her birthday, that took her places, cooked with her, let her spend the night every so often.  And it's not like my mom lives far away, it's about a 10 minute drive to her house!

My step mother (who by the way, is one of these grandmothers being taken advantage of, by one of my stepsisters) would do all these things for my daughter, but, she lives a 2 1/2- 3 hour drive away, and with gas prices right now, we don't get out there that often.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, I do.  I know she has her issues, she has learning disabilities and such, I understand that, but what I wouldn't give to have a mom like these women I know.

I would also like to add, that Master's mother was a wonderful wonderful women, and watched our daughter often.  But, God saw fit to take her, and Master's father away from us years ago, so we only had a short time with them and our daughter.

So, while I understand no one is perfect, I really wish I could shake these women, and make them see how great their mom's are!  It could be worse, they could not be there for you at all, be it that they are just not around, or already gone from the earth.

Spoiled

I have a wonderful Master.

I had the day off today, and I had a huge list of thing I was going to do, errands, cleaning, all sorts of stuff.  Master told me not to worry about it.  He told me that it was my day off, and that I was to relax.

He also knew how hard that was for me.  I'm a lazy person to a certain extent, but I like things to be clean.  If I had the energy in my body to match the way my brain worked.... my house would be spot less, and totally organized all the time.

So, I did run errands, certain things had to be done, I had to pick up Girl Scout cookies for this weekend, and I HAD to go grocery shopping, we were down to one slice of bread.

I am working on tidying the house before bed, mainly putting away groceries and such.

But, Master and I did have play time today, so that was really nice.

I have to work the next two days, but Master has the next two days off, so we'll have some playtime again!  Looking forward to some more fun time with Master.

I feel like such a lucky slave girl tonight!

Not enough time

Or energy.

There is so much I need, want, should do, but I can never get it all done.  Or at least that's how it feels.

I'm working on deep cleaning the house, so I can get it to a level of maintenance, and I've been trying to do a bit of time every day on it, but it's not looking good for today.

BUT!  I did get some yard work done today, so I  feel ok about it.

I've got a massive list going in my head for what I need to do tomorrow, and I am going to write it down, and see how much I should be able to knock off.

I'm feeling overwhelmed, a mild panic rising in me, but I'm not sure why.  I just need to breath, and take one day at a time.

The good thing is, I don't have to work tomorrow.

I'm not in a happy place when it comes to work.

I'm off to make my list.

I hope play time with Master ends up on it!

Happy Birthday Master!

Today is my Master's 49th Birthday.  I didn't get to spend much time with him, I worked, and He worked.  I wasn't able to get him a gift, or bake him a cake or anything, which really bothers me.

Birthdays are very special, important days to me.  They are the one day you don't have to share with anyone, and you should be treated very special.

Instead, I spend part of what little time we have together (my lunch hour) in tears.

I felt selfish after that.

I want to do so much for my Master, I want to give him everything he could want, I want to be the perfect slave, housewife, mother, whatever he wishes.  I want to keep a clean house, always having my chores done.  I want to be able to satisfy him sexually every day, or more often.  I want him to not have to worry about bills, or what will happen if a car breaks down, or an appliance stops working.  I want him to be able to relax and enjoy life, or at the very least, his birthday.  But I wasn't able to do that this year.

But next year, oh, next year is going to be different.

It will be his 50th, and I plan to make it a week long celebration, with many many surprises.

Now to get started on the planning.

And for this year, I don't work on Thursday, so at the very least he will be getting a massage, I got my book today!!!

I love you Master!  Happy Birthday!

100 years old

I don't know how great this post will be, cause I've got a banging migraine going on, and I just took some drugs which should make me feel better soon, while making me loopy at the same time, but here goes:

Happy 100th Anniversary Girl Scouts!!!

I want to write so much more about the Girl Scouts, but I'll save it for another day, being with 14 of them tonight gave me a migraine....lol!

Laundry soap

Ok, this is a long time coming, but since I just made my second batch of laundry soap, here are pictures from the first time I made it!

Supplies

Boiling water

Fels Naptha

 Cutting it into little peices

Putting the pieces in the water

Halfway done with the bar

All in!

Supplies for the fabric softner

1 Cup Baking Soda, 2 cups hot water

Together

Mix it well (won't disolve!)

1 Cup Vinegar

Bubbles!

Finished!

Soap all melted 

Empty 5 gallon bucket

Mixed in with 1 cup Borax and 1 Cup Washing Soda

Keep adding hot water

Stir

Baking soda separated, have to shake it up with each use.

Stir as it cools and turns to gel!

The five gallon bucket lasted me a little over 2 months, the fabric softener, not as long. 

Now to find more cleaning items I can make on my own!

Journal Prompt

If SM is a part of your dynamic explain how pain works for you. Is it a sexual turn on, a healing release, a spiritual moment, a session of giving?


From Submissive Journal Prompts

S and M is part of our relationship.  I would like it to be a bigger part of our relationship, but we are taking things slowly, to see what er a comfortable with.  Also, I know Master is a bit worried about hurting me, so we are taking it slow, finding out what I can take, and what we like.

So far I have found I'm totally into spanking, we tried out his belt, I liked that, and we recently tried out caning, which I LOVED.  We have tried hot wax, biting, pinching, all sorts of good things, and I've enjoyed them all.

To me, much of it is a sexual turn on, just having my hair pulled will get my heart racing, and my juices flowing, bring on a spanking, or a caning, and I'm ready to fuck in no time.  But another part of it is a release.  There have been times where I have asked Master for a spanking because of the mood I'm in.  If I'm cranky, or feeling out of sorts, or out of control, whatever the case may be, and I get a good spanking, lots of pain, be it followed by sex or not, I'm centered again, grounded, focused.  It's a freeing and wonderful feeling for me.

There are times, when we are playing, getting ready for sex, foreplay going, and I can't shut my mind off.  I keep thinking about what happened that day, what I need to do the next day, next week, what I should have done that day that I didn't do, what I should be doing now, etc. etc.  I just can't shut my brain off and enjoy what is happening to me in that moment.  But, should Master roll me over and bite my ass (literally) or spank me, pull my hair, pinch my nipples, cause me some sort of delicious pain, my brain shuts right the fuck up and I'm able to focus on what we are doing, and enjoy sex.

So, I look at it as this, I need the pain, to be a happy, healthy slave.  And I'm lucky to have a Master willing to give it to me.

Tomorrow

Master is off work tomorrow!!!!!

I can't wait!!!

Play time, true, proper play time, sex and all!

I can't wait!

Blah

Today is one of those days.  I'm in a blah, grumpy mood.  No real reason. I got lots of sleep, work was whatever, I don't know, I'm just in a pissy mood.

I have to work all day tomorrow, not only that, I have to be at work 30 minutes early for a conference call thing.  *sigh*

I'll be counting the hours until Saturday.

It'll be a long day, the first chunk of it being spent at Science Olympiad with DD.  Then, there is a spaghetti dinner fundraiser we are going to.

What I'm looking forward to though, play time with Master.  I'm going to ask him to cane me again, this time, before sex.  Plus, I may read to him from one of my books.

I started reading Justine last night, by the Marquis de Sade.  I have a ton of books started, I need to finish some.  But I was in the mood for something new, that was kink related, and it was free on my kindle.

I feel like I'm so boring here.  Maybe one day I'll have more exciting things to blog about.

Weight lifted

Master went out yesterday and did his thing, stopping at the Sec. of State, and the tire shop, to get our tags, his new lisc. and 3 new tires.  Spending a bit of money.

Today, I went to court, didn't have to talk to the judge or anything, just pay a (hefty) fine and I was on my way.

So, while our savings account is depleted, a lot of things that were hanging over my head are GONE!  Now I can just focus on normal stress stuff, and work.

Which, I ended up having today off.  I got some stuff done, went to the gym, and now I'm working on getting the house caught up.  Taking a break to write this.

I just have the kitchen and the chin cage left to go.

Well, that's just to get basic picking up done.  There is TONS of cleaning I could be doing.  I need to get deep cleaning and decluttering going soon, then work on getting a cleaning schedule down.  It's just hard since my schedule is different every week, it's hard to get a routine down.  If I get full time, while I'd have less time to do stuff, I could at least make a routine.

Anyway, enough of my boring chit chat.  Time to get back to work!

Anxiety and happiness

I have court tomorrow.

I'm scared as hell.

I got a ticket a while ago, for not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign.  So, I'm going to court tomorrow, to hopefully at least get my points removed.  I don't want to have to pay a huge fine, but I will if I have to.  The normal ticket price is 95 dollars, and it's 3 points, so I mainly want the points taken off.

I'm just scared, it's something I've never done before, full of strangers.  I don't know what to expect.  I have been to court twice before, but both times I was the "good guy"  this time I'm the "bad guy"  and I'm scared.

Master keeps telling me that it's not like they are going to through me in jail or anything, but I can't help being scared.  I did something wrong.

I can't wait to get it over with!

On the good side:

I got to experience my first caning yesterday.

I LOVED IT!!

It hurt so much, it was stingy and wonderful.  There were a few times that I almost called a color, but Master seems to read me pretty well, and slowed down right around the times I was wondering if I could take anymore.

I had welts on my ass afterward, and there were still a few this morning.  I loved it!

I got 4 canes at the dollar store.  Master broke 1 into 4 pieces last night, we still have 3 more, but I think we may have to buy more!  I'll store them someplace out of the way.

Master seemed to enjoy it too, so I'm happy about that!

Plus, he let me order the book about massage I wanted, it shipped out today, so I'm looking forward to getting it in the mail and studying it!

So, despite my anxiety about tomorrow, I'm one happy slave!

Something to learn

I gave Master a massage last night, I think he enjoyed it, he appeared to be pretty relaxed.  I just wish I actually knew what I was doing.

My senior year of high school I got this book and taught myself massage.  My friends seemed to enjoy it, and I had a friend whom I was able to put to sleep with a facial massage.

I would like to work on this more, and give Master massages often, at least once a week.  I would love to be able to help him, get rid of tension and body aches.  I would love to help him stress less, to feel better, more relaxed, and I think it's another great way of staying connected.  While I would like to get really good, I only want to learn this for Masters benefit.  It's not like I plan to make a career change, cause I know there is no way I could do that as a job.  Even though it would be a good paying one.

So, my first step is to see if Master will allow me to get that book again, then the next step is to practice and study, along with slowly buying better oils and such, I also think this will tie back into me learning about aromatherapy again, something else I'm very interested in.  Maybe even learning some reflexology too.

I'm hoping to make Master very happy with my hands!

Improvement

Doing better today.

Woke up with anxiety, got some things done, had a cookie booth today, and now that I'm home with Master, chilling out, getting ready to watch The Walking Dead together, I feel better.

My anxiety is still there.  There is part of me that wants it to go away, and part of me that knows I deserve it.

I'll deal with it, one day at a time, slowly and steadily.  It will keep me focused on Master, and pleasing Him, which is what I want to do.  I want to prove to Him how much He means to me, and how much I love Him.  I want to do everything I can to make Him happy, and to be the best slave I can possibly be for Him.

I will strive every day to accomplish this, putting Him first, above everything else.  His wishes, his needs.  And of course, our daughter as well.

Down

Long day, work, cookie booth, a little time in between, but most of that was spent prepping the cookie booth stuff.

I'm feeling down, have been all day, and I believe there are a few things that are causing it. 

One is work, it just sucks right now.

Two is something I can't/shouldn't talk about here.

Three is it's an anniversary month, and every year on this month I end up having mood issues.  20 years ago this month I was felt up by my step father.  I didn't say anything for at least a week, thinking maybe I had done something wrong, or that it was really a mistake. (He did the arm around the shoulder grab).  I waited until a day or two after my mothers birthday and broke down and told some friends at school, who in turn marched me down to the office where I told my assistant principal, and then it was out of my hands.  

Turns out, that was the tip of the iceburg.  He had been molesting/raping my sister for a while.  She is 4 years younger than me, she was 12 at this time.  She hadn't said anything cause he said the normal stuff, like, you wouldn't want to ruin your mom's marriage, and shit like that.  

Anyway, this year is 20 years, and my daughter is 12.  

I'm having a hard time with this.  

I've told my sister many times, I wish I had done more, I wish I had been home, instead of a self absorbed teen, I wish I had known what he was doing to her, I sure as hell would have stopped it!  And she has reassured me time and time again, that all is well between her and I.  That in the aftermath (when mom shut down and became a drunk) I was there to take care of her, in my own way.  And I guess I was, but I still can't help feeling I should have done more.  

So I think this month is going to be rough, for a number of reasons.  

I wish life had a rewind button.  There are a few things I'd like do-overs on.

Too tired

Short blog today.

Work sucks, I'm tired, couldn't run today cause was stuck at work. I have to work in the am too.  I'm so tired and can't wait until Sunday and Monday, I'll have time with Master, and all I want to do is snuggle up with him and watch or horror movie, or some Big Bang Theory.

Now, to pick up the house before I totally crash for the night.

Domestic Goddess

Man I miss these days.

Being back to work for the last 8 months has made me realize how wonderful I had it as a SAHM.  Today was a day I totally took advantage of my day off and was the domestic goddess that I should have been for the last 11 years.

I cooked Tuna Noodle Salad for tomorrow (Lent, no meat on Fridays), I also made spaghetti for today, which was eaten for lunch and dinner, and is almost all gone.  I got the house all cleaned up last night, and laundry is all caught up.

I got grocery shopping done too, so I am set for the weekend, which will be busy.  But I am set, as long as I can keep up on the regular house work, I won't feel like a bad slave, which is how I've been feeling.

I need to learn to juggle housework and work.  I'm working, with Master's help, to work on routines.  I'm also going to work on getting the house into maintainance mode.  But the big thing I have to work on is saying NO!

Not to Master, of course, but to everyone else.  I think the best way to do that is to use Master as an excuse.  I'll tell people I have to ask him first, if I don't feel like I can just say no.  I need to learn to do what is best for my family.

So, that is something I will be working on, learning where I can cut back on things that are keeping me from doing the things I need to do for my families well being.

And today was one of the days where I felt on top of things, and I need more days like this!

30 Day BDSM Challenge: Day 30

WOW!  I did this, I followed it all the way to the end!  So here goes:

Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

I'm super tired, so I don't really know what to write.  I do know that while I was struggling last week with my submissiveness, and just missing Master in general, this week is going out standing.  We had a very awesome play session on Monday, that was much needed, followed by a good spanking on Tuesday night.  I am excited about the way our relationship is going, both in the bedroom and out, kink and non kink.  I feel with every email, every sexual act, every moment we have together our relationship is growing stronger and stronger.  I love my Master very much, and I'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him, loving and serving him, in whatever way we see fit.

Thank you Master, I love you!

And now, back to our regularly scheduled blogging!

30 Day BDSM Challenge: Day 29

Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. Mistress, Master, slut, pig, whore, princess, Goddess, Ma'am, Sir)?  What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

I do not have a title, although I would like to.  Master does call me pet names, my favorite being baby girl.  I call him Master, when we are in private, and Daddy or Babe when our daughter is around.

I will admit, there is a little part of me that wonders what it would be like to be called slut.  I think to start off in the bedroom, and take it from there.  Just the thought of him calling me his little slut turns me on.  Or him saying things like "You like that don't you, slut?" while fucking me....mmmm.  Or "Slut, did you wash my work pants yet?"  sigh.  But who knows, if he actually did start saying that I may not enjoy it as much as I think I will.  But I would like to find out.

But Baby Girl, that makes me all warm and fuzzy inside when I hear it.

30 Day BDSM Challenge: Day 28

How do you dress for kink/BDSM play?  What significance does your attire have to you?

Usually, I'm naked.  Today, I was lucky enough to wear my play collar.   I love it.  It automatically makes me all submissive, and turned on.  I do wish that I was told what to wear more in general, that Master had specific things in mind for me to wear, but he doesn't, at least, not yet.  Also, maybe once I loose more weight, I'll have some fun things to wear to bed.  That's a nice goal to have.

30 Day BDSM Challenge: Day 27

Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities?  If so, how?

To be honest, no, not that I can think of.

I know, lame, but I can't really think of a time that it has happened.

30 Day BDSM Challenge: Day 26

What's your opinion on online BDSM play?

I think that it's great for people that are in a long distance relationship, but I can't see it really comparing to the real thing.

Short but sweet answer, since I'm up too late!

SGBHC #5

That Submissive Feeling
http://www.submissiveguide.com/2012/02/sgbhc-5-that-submissive-feeling/comment-page-1/#comment-6750

What brings out your most powerful submissive/slave mindset? Is it a regular occurrence in your life or do you long for that submissive/slave feeling more often?

Share a time where you felt your most submissive.

Funny that this should be the topic, as it's currently something I'm struggling with right now.  I've been feeling lost and out of touch with my submissiveness, and I think a big part of it is not enough time with Master.

Times I've noticed that my mindset is more focused is when I'm able to be with him more, to serve him directly, instead of indirectly.  For example, bringing him a drink, as opposed to washing dishes.  I hope that makes as much sense to others as it does to me.  

There are also times during play that really bring it into focus for me.  Having my hair pulled, being spanked, and anal play are my three big triggers.  Give me a play session with any one, or a combo of those things, and I'm in a sub mindset for a few days at least.

Also anytime Master uses his dominance with me.  Be it placing an order for me when we are eating out, telling me directly to do something, or anytime he has given me a rule to follow.

I wish I could focus on being a submissive more, but, life gets in the way far too much for my liking, especially lately.  Master and I are still really green to all this too, so I'm hoping as we continue this journey I have more time to focus on serving him.  

30 Day BDSM Challenge: Day 25

How open are you about your kinks?

Depends.  Online, under my alter ego name, I'm very open.  Like here on this blog, I could write all day about my kinks.

With my Master, the same.

I have a sister, and also my BFF that know a lot.

That's about it.

I would love to be more open about my kinks.  But it's not always the best idea.  Plus, Master has asked me not to be too open about it, thus my alter ego.

But I would love to be more open about it.  Maybe one day.

30 Day BDSM Challenge: Day 24

What qualities do you look for in a partner?

I'll go with my Master's best qualities.

He is kind, loving, caring, dependable, forgiving, determined, hard working, loyal, funny, great in bed, dominant, open, laid back, a great father, patient, sweet, handsome, he has beautiful eyes, a great protector and provider.

I could go on and on.  I'm so lucky to have him, he puts up with so much, and doesn't ask for anything in return.  I adore him and I am so happy that I have him for the rest of my life.  I only wish we had more time together!

30 Day BDSM Challenge: Day 23

Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed?  How so?

I think if anything, it has made me more open minded about other people.  I still have little tolerance for stupid or rude people, but I'm not as quick to judge people. I also find I spend a lot more time thinking about Master and ways to make our relationship stronger.

30 Day BDSM Challenge: Day 22

What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy?  How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

I do not think there is a difference.  All relationships take trust, honesty, and respect.  In my opinion, they also take at least a certain amount of love.

I'm sure I should go into more detail, but I have a lot I need to get done tonight.

30 Day BDSM Challenge: Day 21

What is your favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)?

I'm going with fiction.

It really depends on what I'm looking for, but I'm going to go with the Sleeping Beauty Trilogy.

I love the whole series, my favorite of the 3 is the first one.

Now, I also have read (a few times) The Story of O, which I enjoy.  And, I'll admit, guilty pleasure, I enjoy the books of Gor.

But so far, my favorite, fiction, is Sleeping Beauty.

I haven't read a lot of non fiction, other than blogs, so I'm not sure where I stand with those.

I would love to expand my BDSM/kink related library though!

30 Day BDSM Challenge: Day 20

Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you're curious about/don't understand.

Ok, there are a few things I don't understand.

I don't understand the brats, the subs or slaves that are on purpose bratty.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I play with Master, I tease him.  But I would never be defiant or bratty just because.  And I try really hard to keep my attitude in line (and trust me, he has put me into place the few times I've forgotten).  So I don't understand why you would want to be bad like that.

I also just don't understand the whole pet play thing.  Or furries.  I don't see anything wrong with either, I just don't get it.

But then, I'm sure there are people out there that don't get my kinks.

30 Day BDSM Challenge: Day 19

Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life?  If so, what are they?

I don't know if this was exactly unexpected, but I feel that it has strengthened my marriage.  One of the main reasons being, I am more open and honest with my Master now.  I share every thing with him, I check with him on his opinions on many things now.  More than I did before.  I tell him much more about myself now too, I'm more transparent with him.  I tell him my true feelings about things, and how I'm feeling often.

The fact that we email daily helps me share my thoughts and feelings with him, as does this blog.

The fact that I share so much more of my inner most feelings with him makes me feel closer to him.

I cherish him so much, and being His slave makes me want to please Him so much.

30 Day BDSM Challenge: Day 18

Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves?  If so, what are they?

You know, I think my main ones are people thinking that if you don't do things they way they do, that you aren't doing it right.

I'm not talking about things that actually matter how you do them, like things that could cause serious harm.

I'm talking about, if you don't kneel at your Master's feet instead of sitting in a chair, you're not a REAL slave.  If you don't do this you're not a true submissive.  You're not a REAL Dom if you don't do...whatever.

That is garbage!

Also, just the rudeness on websites.  Like people think, oh, this site deals with sexual stuff, so I can be a juvenille jack ass.

Those are my pet peeves!

30 Day BDSM Challenge: Day 17

What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

There are a few.  But the main one is, that there is something wrong with us, that we are freaks.  The fact is, I'd bet that people deal with kinky people many times a day and have no clue.  Not all kinky people walk around with a collar on, or wearing all black, or corsets, or what every your stereo typical picture of a kinky person is. They are mom's, dad's, aunt's, uncle's, grandparents.  They are teachers, ministers, leaders, volunteers,.  They are kind, giving people.  A great many of them are very very wonderful people.  I won't say all, because, let's face it, in every group of people, there are assholes.

That' why I hate when things like this happen:

There was a murder locally.  Of course, the focus is on the husband first.  Then it turns out he's into BDSM.  He owns a bar, there is a dungeon in the basement.  He had slaves or subs that called him Master.

So that is the focus.  That must be the problem, he's a freak, and that's why he murdered his wife.

I hate HATE that people judge things they don't understand.

Now, I'm not saying he's innocent, I don't know if he is or not.  BUT!  Just because he's into BDSM doesn't mean he is a murderer.

Just because I like being tied up and spanked, doesn't mean I want a man that is abusive.  There IS a difference.

People need to LEARN about things they don't understand.  I'm not saying you have to want to do it yourself.  I don't want to be in a poly relationship, but I learn about them, because there are people out there that are poly, and I want to understand them.

I think if people tried to understand each other more, there would be more love in this world.

30 Day BDSM Challenge: Day 16

What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

Ok, the biggest problem for me is having to censor myself around other people.  There are so many times I've wanted to just say things like "My husband won't allow that."  or "I have to ask my Husband's permission first." Most times I can just word things a different way.

The other day my boss came up to me and asked about my bracelets.  They are basically friendship bracelets that I made, but the represent wrist cuffs to me.  I have them on my ankles, and one around my neck, that is my collar.  While it's not exactly what I want, it will have to do for now.  Anyway, he asked "So, you follow the Kabalah?" I said "No, that's just one wrist, and a piece of red yarn.  I have two on, and they are black and blue." (Yes, the colors were picked on purpose, Master's and my favorite colors) Then he said "Then why do you wear them?"  I WANTED to tell him why, to explain they are to help remind me of my place.  To remind me that I'm owned, and that I am to do what Master wishes.  What I said however was "It's my own religion."

Times like that, I wish I could speak more freely without any fear of negative consiquences.

THAT is the most difficult aspect to me.

There are other aspects that are hard, but that's the one I've struggled the most with lately.