Monday, February 10, 2014


Master is home, and I'm so relieved, but also sad and grumpy and tired.  I think all the emotions I've pushed down since Thursday have boiled to the surface.  I am so happy to have him home, I was bouncing off the walls when I first went to pick him up.  But now I just want to cry and then sleep for a week.

It's time of big change in our house, healthier habits, and hopefully our BDSM lifestyle gets back on track too.  But we shall see.

I guess that's it for now, I'm going to do what needs to be done and crash.  Sucks that I have to work all week.

Thursday, February 6, 2014


Master is in the hospital.  I feel so lost.

He works nights, I'm used to him being gone at night, but this is so different.

I could go up to the hospital, to be with him, but he told me not to.  I would just be watching him sleep, but I would be near him.

I plan to go visit him tomorrow morning.  Of course, this happens when I have a ton of stuff to do.

I haven't told E the details, she doesn't need to worry, I don't want it to affect her, so we are just playing it down for her.

On the flip side of all this, I've found out who I can truly count on, who my friends are, and who are just selfish people.

I haven't told most of my family, because we don't know much. They are running tests, it's his blood pressure for sure, it's possible he has had a heart attack in the past, and there may be current blockage.

I'm still fearing the worst, coming up with plans on what we would do if....  so many different ways this could go.

But the surprising thing is, I haven't freaked out yet.  There's been a couple times I've wanted to ball my eyes out, but of course, every time I felt like that, it was a time I couldn't.

Maybe once I get E to bed, and crawl into bed myself.

At least I don't have to be at work tomorrow.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Containing my freak out

 So, Master is off to the hospital in the morning.

He went to the Doctor today, after much nagging.  And they wanted to call an ambulance, and make him go to the hospital right then, but he said no.  So tomorrow morning, before work, I have to drop him off at the ER.  It's his blood pressure, and this is the second time this has happened.  He was on medication for this before, but because we lost health insurance, he went off his meds.

I'm freaking out.

I'm a daughter of an alcoholic, and have a wonderful history of horrid shit happening, and I have always been the one to deal with, and fix the situation, even as a 16 year old.  So, I have learned to plan for the worst.

It makes me do things like, planning what would happen if he died.  How'd I pay the bills, how'd I handle the funeral, what would I do?

I'm trying not to freak out though, cause I don't want to worry Master any more than he already is.

I have so much stuff I could/should be doing, but I can't freaking focus on anything.

I'm going to take some melatonin, and try to sleep.