Saturday, March 3, 2012


Long day, work, cookie booth, a little time in between, but most of that was spent prepping the cookie booth stuff.

I'm feeling down, have been all day, and I believe there are a few things that are causing it. 

One is work, it just sucks right now.

Two is something I can't/shouldn't talk about here.

Three is it's an anniversary month, and every year on this month I end up having mood issues.  20 years ago this month I was felt up by my step father.  I didn't say anything for at least a week, thinking maybe I had done something wrong, or that it was really a mistake. (He did the arm around the shoulder grab).  I waited until a day or two after my mothers birthday and broke down and told some friends at school, who in turn marched me down to the office where I told my assistant principal, and then it was out of my hands.  

Turns out, that was the tip of the iceburg.  He had been molesting/raping my sister for a while.  She is 4 years younger than me, she was 12 at this time.  She hadn't said anything cause he said the normal stuff, like, you wouldn't want to ruin your mom's marriage, and shit like that.  

Anyway, this year is 20 years, and my daughter is 12.  

I'm having a hard time with this.  

I've told my sister many times, I wish I had done more, I wish I had been home, instead of a self absorbed teen, I wish I had known what he was doing to her, I sure as hell would have stopped it!  And she has reassured me time and time again, that all is well between her and I.  That in the aftermath (when mom shut down and became a drunk) I was there to take care of her, in my own way.  And I guess I was, but I still can't help feeling I should have done more.  

So I think this month is going to be rough, for a number of reasons.  

I wish life had a rewind button.  There are a few things I'd like do-overs on.

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