Sunday, January 15, 2012

Bitter and sad

While I love going to my dad's, to see him and that side of my family.  I always end up leaving feeling sad, and a little bit bitter.

My mom and dad were never married, and I honestly don't remember him being around a lot.  I have a few memories of going to visit him on the weekends.  Especially the one house he lived it, it was one of those attached houses (I think they are called a duplex) and I would bring my sticker books with the scratch and sniff stickers and trade with the kid next door.  My sister R would come with me (though she had a different dad), and we would eat cold pizza for breakfast.  There were times, when he hadn't been around in a long time, and I'd walk home from school, or be playing out in the front yard, when I would see a car like his drive by, and wonder if it was him (turns out it was).

But I go there now, and I see how he is with my brother, my step sisters, and my niece and nephew.  And I want to cry sometimes.  I feel like I got cheated out of having a dad.  While, I know, I should be grateful that he is in my life now, I still long for what could have been, and can't help but wonder, what our relationship would have been like now, if he had been in my life more as a child.

I know parts of it aren't his fault, my grandma told him to bug off (and she can be a bit intimidating) and, as it turns out, he has Aspergers.  So while, yea, he should have been an adult, he did have a few opposing forces.

But, when I see how he took my younger brothers after divorcing their mom, seeing how he takes care of my step sister.  Watching him with my niece and nephew, changing diapers, playing with them, all that stuff (they basically live with my dad and step mom), I can't help but wonder, why didn't he do that for me?  Why didn't he fight for me?  Try to see me?  Call, write, whatever.  It sucks.

So again, while I enjoy going to visit them (for the most part, but that's a whole different rant for another blog entry), and I do love my dad, it hurts, to watch them all together.  That he knows my step sisters so well, but not me.

I am so looking forward to the next couple days with Master, it should help even out my emotions.

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