Coming soon

Changes

In the year 2015 I will be making changes

I do not like where I am right now, and I am ready to start making changes in my life.

One of the big things I'm doing is I'm taking a class to become a medium.  To learn to read auras, tarot, to infuse things with intentions, to use my third eye to help others.

I plan to find what path I'm going to follow.  I had started a class to learn about paganism, but due to many things happening all at once, I had to quit.  I will be doing it again this summer.

Starting next week I'm taking a Divination class online.

I need to work on my relationship with hubby, it's not bad, just not as good as it could be.

And I need to focus on my health.  I have some major health issues going on. And that needs to be worked on.

I plan to blog often again, to try to sort out my feelings and thoughts.  One of the many good habits I intend to start in the new year.  But before the new year comes, I need to do my best to get my house clean and Christmas put away.  If only my back and head will stop hurting enough to allow it.

Gloomy

I gotta get rid of this gloomy feeling.  Every day, at least every day I work, I am in a gloomy mood.  I don't want to be gloomy, I want to be happy.  I need to find a way to be happy, despite my job.

I need to call my doctor and get my meds upped.

I'm looking forward to therapy tomorrow, this week has been shitty.

And I've got so much shit to do.  First thing I need to do, is finish this scarf I've been working on for forever.

Starting right now.

Good day

Today was a very very good day.

I did half to work, but to me, Saturday's don't really count as work, they are far more laid back, only a short day, and slower.  Then the kiddo and I got our geek on, at a comic book show, and a comic book store.

I spent the rest of the evening working on my scarf and reading my new Walking Dead comics.

Tomorrow, more of the same.  I need to finish this scarf, like two weeks ago, so I will be plugging away at that, I really should do some house work, so I MIGHT do that, and I will be reading more Walking Dead FOR SURE!

I also need to make a resume so I can start looking for a new job.  Something I really need to do, especially after the crap that happened at the meeting on Thursday.

On another good note, looks like we are going to have a thunderstorm tonight, and I LOVE thunderstorms!  I should sleep really good tonight!

Shortie

This blog is going to be a short one, today was too long,and bad, and I'm tired.

One good thing that happened, I spent the evening watching The Shining with Kiddo, and that was the highlight of my day.

I need to make it through the day tomorrow, and half a day on Saturday and I'll have a little break, including a small comic con with kiddo.

I'm trying to hang in there.  This weekend I will make my resume.  I have to get a new job.

Peaceful

Today was a quiet, relaxing day, and what I needed.

I started off a little rough, dogs woke me up at 6:30 to go outside, I had a day off today, so I was bummed, but the problem started once they came back in.  I started freaking out about our finances.  Our washing machine died.  We have to buy a new one, we have some bills to pay, we are going on a small family trip that is going to cost money the end of this month, plus it's Easter, so we have to buy a few things for kiddo's Easter basket.  Then in May, aside from regular monthly bills, we have kiddo's birthday and comic con.  So I was freaking out, and couldn't go back to sleep.  Since Master was asleep, I sent him a text message listing off my thoughts, and that seemed to help, so I finally fell back asleep.

I woke up to get Master up at 8:30, and then went back to sleep till about 9:30

Kiddo and I chilled out, playing games on our phone and watching one of our shows, and then we met a friend of mine for lunch.

Kiddo and I ran a couple errands, and then came home.  I took a 2 hour nap, then got up and worked on my scarf some more.

Master came home with dinner, we ate, watched tv, and then I worked on my scarf some more, and Master is sleeping.

It was a wonderful day, and I wish I could have more like them.

Tomorrow, is a mixed bag.  The morning I have to go to meeting for work, and the last half I go back to my branch to do my desk work.  So, if I can make it through the meeting, I should be good.

I need to work on my resume, my therapist said I need to find a new job, so I am going to work on that.  She said, even if I don't get a new one right away, being proactive about it, should help me feel a little better, and that makes sense.  I'm looking forward to seeing her on Tuesday.

I like feeling good.  Just a week and a half and I'm on a mini vacation.  Looking forward to it.

Much better

So, after my visit with a therapist on Thursday, I did not feel good about how it went.  I didn't feel comfortable with him, there were things I wouldn't be able to tell him, and I didn't like his reaction when I told him about my job.

I asked a friend for advice on finding a therapist.  She suggested that I  do a search on line, using key words of what I was looking for, and then look at the pictures, she said a lot of times you can get a feeling based off of their photos.

So, I did a search, and found a page that listed local therapists, and I came across the therapist I saw about 14 years ago.  I contacted her, and I had my first appt tonight.

It was a world of difference, I walked out feeling so much better, and hopeful.

I go back next week, and I'm looking forward to it.  So glad I switched!

I have tomorrow off, and I'm really hoping it's like last night.

Master and I managed to get in some private time, and it was outstanding, I'm really hoping we get to do that again.

Ritual

This journal prompt was found at Submissive Journal Prompts

“Ritual is important. It is fulfilling and meaningful. It is beautiful. It is symbolic, mnemonic, and instructive. It establishes protocols. It expresses, defines, and clarifies conditions. It is essential to, and ingredient within, civilization. Similarly, do not overlook the significance and value of symbolism.” Vagabonds of Gor, John Norman

Ok, I have two schools of thought on this. 

First school is pro ritual.  I like rituals, I like how comforting and soothing they can be.  It was part of what I enjoyed about the Catholic church when I was converting.  When you first learn, or start a ritual, it's a great way to be mindful, to draw attention to whatever that ritual is for.  

BUT!  

Second school is against it, or at least long term ritual.  Because after a while, you just go through the motions.  At least, I find I do.  At church, saying The Lord's Prayer, at Girl Scout meetings, saying the Pledge of Allegiance, etc, etc.  It loses it's meaning.  

So my thoughts on ritual is, it's good, but not for a permanent thing, they need to be updated, or changed up now and then, so you remain focused and mindful.  

Back to normal

It was nice having a 3 day weekend, but it's at an end, I have to go back to work tomorrow.  BLAH!

I got a lot of work done on my scarf, still have about a fourth of it to go, I'm going to work on cranking it out so I can get started on writing.

I also started feeling down today because I looked around today.  I looked at our yard, in our garage, and in our basement.  I looked at our cars, and in our house.

It was one of those days that looking at all that stuff made me feel horrible.

A neighbor was trimming these very large bushes in our back yard, from his backyard, because they are all over grown and nasty.  He does this often, we never do, and they are our bushes.  Made me feel like crap.

I pulled some weeds and cleaned up some leaves in our front garden, and looked at all our neighbors nice neat yards, and I felt like crap.

I put windshield wiper fluid in our one car, one of two, old, used cars, each with about 180,000 miles on it, each which we owe over a thousand dollars for, and it took me 5 minutes to get the hood shut again, and I felt like crap.

The garage and basement are both a mess, full of stuff we rarely, if ever use.

I have to put a 5 gallon bucket of aquarium rocks on the lid of the washing machine, and then, after the first cycle, I have to go down and throw my body weight on it to get it to keep going.

I feel like crap.

I work, in a job I hate, to be poor.  It sucks.

What really sucks is, I was able to stay home for so long, I should have been more frugal, I shouldn't have procrastinated on things, I should have been thinking long term.  It's my fault I'm in the spot I'm in.

And I feel like crap.

So good

Today was GREAT!  I helped a friend run her Mom2Mom sale, and then spent the rest of the day at home alternating between crocheting my scarf, and cleaning the house.  I did a half hour of one, then a half hour of the other, and kept repeating until about an hour ago, when I decided to knock off my blogging and emails to Master, but I'll do the same thing tomorrow, and will hopefully get a lot of stuff done around the house!

It's amazing how great I feel, by having a 3 day weekend, with really no plans.  I am so looking forward to sleeping as late as I want tomorrow.

Plus, on the advice of a friend, I did an online search for therapists in my area, which I did, because I really don't want to go back to the one I went to last week.  Anyway, during my search I found the therapist that I went to about 14 years ago when I have having anger issues, I sent her an email requesting an appt, so I'm excited and hopeful about it!  I was really comfortable with her last time, and she is in the city I live in, and takes my insurance, so, YEA!!!

I was so worried that I wouldn't feel this good again, but I still have hope!

Playing hooky

I called in sick to work today.

I wasn't sick.

It is amazing to me how not being at work can make such a huge difference in my attitude.  I'm in a great mood today, I washed my bedding and got some cleaning done around the house, and did a lot of crocheting, which I plan to do all weekend, I need to get this last scarf done.

Once the scarf is done, I plan to try to write.  I'm torn between a bunch of short stories, all which would be erotica, or one of the many ideas I have for a novel.  I really need to focus on this dream.  It's a dream I've had since I was about 12, of being a writer.  I am pretty sure I could do it, if I would just set down and do it.

And I will, I will do it.  Come hell or high water.  I have to at least try.

Therapy

So, I met with my therapist for the first time today, and I'm apprehensive.

He's older, like probably in his 60's, it's a male, which, whatever, and he's foreign. Not that there is anything wrong with any of that, but I wonder about communication issues.

On the plus side, he was very positive, he is going to look into my meds, see if they need to be changed, or increased, he said my depression is caused by all my anxiety, which I have a lot of.  And he wants to work with me on my anxiety.

At the same time, I felt skeptical of some of the stuff he was saying, things like, every job is a sales job, even if you don't think it is, being a mom is a sales job.  I guess.....

I go back next week, and we'll see what happens then.  I did cry a lot, but that didn't surprise me.  

I'm having anxiety right now, which I hate.  I'm waiting to hear back from Master, and reality tells me he's just busy at work, but my anxiety is in the back of my mind whispering, he's mad at you, you did something wrong and he's pissed, etc. etc.  It sucks.

I'm thinking about calling in sick to work tomorrow, but we shall see, that's what I'm waiting to hear back from Master about.

Too tired

Too tired to think tonight, but I found a website with journal prompts, I'll start using it tomorrow. 

Hope to have something interesting to post, plus I'll be going to the therapist tomorrow too.

Overwhelmed

Rough day at work, too much stuff to do, here and at home, I can't focus on any of it, feel like I'm drowning, and I'm a failure.  I'm so tired and I need to get so much stuff done, in such little time.  How do people do it?  I can barely keep up with the basics!  Is it something wrong with me?

I don't want to be tired all the time, I don't want to be down all the time.  I want to be happy, I want to have energy and be able to do things, I want to have time to do the things I need to so, and want to do.

I know, I sound like a broken record.  I don't know what else to say.

I'm going to try my best to start writing tonight, at 10 pm, in the mean time, I have to work on other things, and hopefully get stuff done.

Although, to be honest, I just want to crawl into bed and go to sleep, maybe I'll do that instead.

Day 12

And no end in sight.  I'm getting very tired of this period.  I was grumpy this morning, and had a headache all day, but I got to spend time with Master this evening, and I feel much better.

It's late tonight.  We stayed up to watch Walking Dead, and then Talking Dead, and I had to get up early, and I'm tired.  So that's it tonight.

Tomorrow begins NaNoWriMo, I'm going to write a novel in April!

I'm going to do it!  Now, just to narrow down which of the ideas I am going to use.

The never ending period

I am on day 11 or 12, I've honestly lost track.  This period is seriously pissing me off.  If for no other reason, than I want to have the chance to have sex.

I don't like having sex on my period, I've done it, I don't enjoy it.  And while Master and I have fooled around while I'm on my period before, it doesn't happen often.  Which is why I need this period to fucking end.

I want to have sex, and I want to be in a good mood.

I was in a pretty good mood today.  I am still feeling overwhelmed.  My mind is constantly going with all the things I need to do, want to do.  I will never get it done.  I want to have all the time in the world, to read, to write, to crochet, do enjoy the things I enjoy, to go for walks when the weather is good, and to snuggle in the bed when the weather is bad.  To clean the bathroom, and the basement, to do the laundry and wash all the carpets.  I have so so many things on my list of what I want and need to do, and I will never get them all done in my life time, so I am stuck doing what needs to be done right now, and that makes me feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water.  It's frustrating.

But, as I said, today was a good day, I was able to walk outside with no shoes on today.  And that made me feel good!

Tomorrow I get to wear jeans and a t shirt to work, which will put me in a good mood.

Here's hoping for two good days in a row.

Can I do it?

Every time a round of NaNoWriMo comes up, I start it, and then I don't finish.  They have a camp going in April.  and I really want to do it.

The problem is, I feel like I barely keep up with the basics, let alone adding writing 1000 words a day.  But it's something I've always wanted to do, be a writer.  I have so many ideas running through my head that I would like to write.

I think I should try it.

Let's see if I can last more than a couple day.

Getting better

Well, these pills must be working, cause today was a day that could have gone down hill, and sent me off the deep end, but I was in a great mood all day.

I work for a company that keeps cutting staff, I guess to save money, but let one person call off sick, and the rest of the branch is scrambling to function.

That happened today.  My boss had to work on the line with me and one of the other girls, to cover lunches.  AND since I was going to get over time this week, he had to work the line from 4-6 as well.  HAHA!  That's what he gets for not giving me another full day off this week since I have to work Saturday.

Kiddo and I went to a Con that was mostly Martial arts, but had a big group of people into her favorite thing, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  We had fun there.  It was a world record attempt, but we didn't make it.  They are trying it again tomorrow, and we may go, if she wants.

It's late and I still have to do my 15 minutes of cleaning in the kitchen tonight.

That's my new daily chore.  Dishes must be done nightly, and I have to spend 15 minutes cleaning more of the kitchen.

I don't wanna work tomorrow, blah!

Blah again

I was down again today.  I don't know what my problem is.  I can't wait to go to the therapist.  I really hope it helps.

I feel like I never have time.  Either to do things to I need to do, or to do things I want to do.  I feel like I can't keep my head above water.  I'm drowning.

And it doesn't help that I can't make up my mind on what my priorities should be.  Housework, fun stuff, a little of both.  I am an all or nothing person, which also doesn't help.

And I'm sure the fact that it's getting to be the end of March at it was only in the low 30's today, and snowing.  I'm fucking sick of winter already.

I'm on the 8th day of my period, and it's getting worse every day, today the cramps started, UGH!

I have something going on every day until at least the 5th of April, I just want to be.

I was talking about an apocolypse with a customer and another co-worker and I can't wait for it to happen.  I'm so tired of the way the world is now.

I should probably go to bed.

I need to work on my studying to be a Christian witch.

I need to start writing in my mirror book and doing reading every day too.

Happy!

Today was my birthday, and the first day in a long long while I felt truly happy.

Turns out, I was not supposed to be taking both my medications at the same time, so last night I just took the one, and this morning I took the other, and today was the first day since I started taking the medication that I didn't feel exhausted.  I woke up feeling well rested, and was able to function through the day.

Our branch got audited today, and while it's up to the whole team to be doing their job to get a good score, a lot of the organization and such falls to me, so when they ask for certain papers, I need to be able to find them, and I did.  Our branch got a 96.45 score, which I thought was pretty damn good.  Also, normally days like today I'm super stressed cause we have to be on our A game when the auditors are there, and it wasn't just our normal auditor, but her boss too, and I wasn't stressed at all!

I got to spend time with Master and Kiddo, we went to one of my favorite restaurants for dinner.  I got an awesome new speaker, that I can play music from my phone with, using blue tooth.  And, I get a "Shopping spree" at the local comic book store!  I can't wait, going to buy some Walking Dead, and see if there is anything else I might want.

I'm hoping that my mood today is a sign of good things, that between the medication and therapy (which I'm nervous about) I'll be happier and less stressed.

Next will be to work on my sex drive!

Don't know

Not really sure what to write about today.

Had the follow up with my doctor today, all is well.  He wants me to see a therapist, so I made an appointment for next week.  Also, it turns out, I'm not supposed to take my two pills together, so I'm fixing that starting today, hoping it keeps me from being so tired all day.

Tomorrow is our quarterly audit at work.  Normally it would be no big deal, but the lady that does the audits has her boss coming with her to observe her.  Her boss is super picky, so she called to warn me about things I had to take care of for tomorrow, I did most of them, but today was my half day, so I ran out of time.

I got some housework done this evening, I would have gotten more done, but I ran out of steam.  I seem to have this small two hour window of energy, I need to start using it more to my advantage to get things done, and hopefully I'll start having more energy soon.

I guess that's it for now.  I'm off to bed.

How

Don't let one person affect you.

HOW?

How do I not?

I am so sick of the people I work with.

One girl is on the path to make my life miserable.

So, how do I not let her get to me?

I'm scared she is trying to make me lose my job, I'm paranoid that she is going to do something that my put my job at risk.  She has me worried.

Not that I love my job, but I want to leave because I leave, not cause they fired me.

So, my plan is to just act like everything is normal, but I am all stressed.

I don't want to be stressed.

I need to find a therapist.

Soon.

Internal struggles

I've stated before that I sometimes feel like I have multiple personalities, that there are many pieces of me.  Part of this problem is that it causes me to struggle internally at times.

Like today.  Sundays, Master doesn't have to start work until late.  So we have a good chunk of the day to spend together.  When Master is home, I don't like to do anything but spend time with him, so that's what I do.  We just chill out in the living room, and watch tv, I often work on a project, and he places on the laptop.  And that's what we did today.

But then I look around the house and see all the things I could/should have done.  The bathroom that needs to be scrubbed down, the laundry I could have had all done, the dishes piling up in the sink, the floor that needs to be vacuumed and the cluttered basement that needs tons of work.

There are days, like tonight, when all of that bothers me, when I want to have a spotless and clean house, and there are days when I could care less.  When I prefer to enjoy my time at home doing things I enjoy, as opposed to spending it all cleaning.  Because, I feel that I could spend all my time at home cleaning, and it would never be clean enough.

I know, for the most part, it doesn't bother Master. As long as the basics are kept up, he's good.  So I guess I shouldn't sweat it.  But there are days I do, and that's my conflict.  Whether to get off my lazy ass and make my house beautiful, or to just do what needs to be done, when I can do it, and not sweat it.

don't know

I'm blank tonight.  Not sure what I should talk about.  It was a long day.  Kiddo was in the Science Olympiad at school, and today was the County Tournament.  She didn't get any medals, and our school did not make it to State, but she had fun, and wants to do it next year, and that's a good thing.

Tomorrow there is nothing planned at all, which is nice.  Master does have to work, but not until later in the evening, so we will have some family time together.  And I can sleep in, which I'm REALLY looking forward to.  I felt exhausted all day today, and I don't know why.  I mean, I got up early, but I also went to bed fairly early too.

I guess that's it.  Sorry it was boring.  I'll need to start looking up blog ideas.

Happy Anniversary

16 years ago, Master and I got married.  And while we couldn't celebrate it the way either of us would have liked, we did the best we could, we went to Subway together on my lunch break.

But, I came home to find a card on my laptop.

I had a crappy day.  Not super bad, just one of those days where by the time the work day is done, all you want to do is crawl into bed and sleep until tomorrow.  I had stopped to pick up something for the kiddo and I to eat, and then stopped at a 7-11 for my favorite, Wild Cherry slurpee, which of course, was out of order.  So needless to say I was feeling down, and exhausted when I finally got home.

He had written the sweetest things in that card.  I cried.

I read it again, about an hour later, and cried again.

I have to say, I am so lucky to have him as a Master, a husband, and a best friend.

He is the only person in this world to know all my deep dark secrets, and the true me.  My true feelings about everything.  He has seen me at my very worst, and very best.  I can count on him for anything.  I know he will be there no matter what for me, just like our vows said.

He puts up with all my ideas, no matter how good or bad they are, and he encourages me to do my best.

I wish we could be together much more than we are, but we make the most of the time we do have together.

I love him, and I am looking forward to seeing where our road takes us as we travel together on the rest of our journey.

Wanting to want again

I had my ultra sound done today.  Not only did they do the external one, they did the vaginal one too.  THAT was not fun.  It wasn't as bad as the dreaded pap smear, but it sure was uncomfortable.

My doctor says he is going to figure out what is wrong with me.  I don't believe him.  I have had irregular cycles since I started my period at the age of 12.  I can have two a month, or none for a year and a half.  They are usually about 9 days long, and almost always super heavy.  So heavy I have to wear night time super pads all the time, except the last day or two.  I've had periods where the cramps are so bad I puke, or so light, I'm not sure if they are actually periods or just spotting.

And so far, all of the tests I've ever had in the past show nothing is wrong.

But he's going to figure it out.

I want a hysterectomy.

My only fear about that is losing my sex drive.

I used to have a really good one, but it's been gone for a while, and I'd like it back.

I miss wanting sex.

Master and I have play time, when we can, which is not often lately, but there was a time when I would want it every day, and ache for the times we could be together.  Lately, I don't even want it when we can be together.

Once I get going I'm fine, and we have GREAT sex, but I could honestly go with out it, and not miss it much.

I'm hoping my anti-depression meds help with that, but I have to be patient and see what they do.

But I miss being horny.  I used to write awesome porn, read porn, sext with Master, and long to be with him most of the day.  I can't wait to be like that again.

I want to want it.

Sleepy

Today was a long ass day.  I had to get to work at 7:45, we don't open till 9.  We were slow all day, I had to take a short lunch, and take it an hour before I normally do, which made the later part of the day seem longer.

I freaking started my period today.  Which really sucks, cause it's Master's day off, so we would have had a little private time tonight, but that's out.

I'm so tired, I can't even think straight, so tonight's going to be a shorty.

Pieces of me

There are many many different sides to me, that make me who I am.  I figured every so often, when I am feeling in touch with certain sides of me, I will go into more about them.

Tonight is my dark side.

I love horror, movies, books, tv shows, whatever.  I can't remember exactly when it started, but I do remember in elementary school, watching Maximum Overdrive, and Nightmare on Elm Street 4.

In high school I started reading Stephen King, then Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles.

I'm very into Vampires, and much to my Master's happiness, have been converted to a zombie fan as well, one of our favorite shows to watch together is The Walking Dead.

My all time favorite horror movie is a tie between Halloween, and The Shining (the original versions of both) and my favorite book is The Stand.

I don't know what it is that draws me to horror, I find I especially like it if the bad guy is witty, like Hannibal Lector in Silence of the Lambs, or if it's something that could truly happen, which is why I love The Stand.

I also find myself drawn to apocalyptic things, I enjoy thinking about what it would be like if the world would end, the collapse of society.  I think it would be wonderful to some extent.

My favorite monster is the vampire. I love vampires, there is something about them that I find sensual .

I will also admit I've been turned on by horror movies, Hostel 2 was a big one for that.

I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me, enjoying all the scariness, blood, gore, and evil.
But I do, I love being scared, I often have nightmares, and that is something that I enjoy too, when I have a really good one that makes me wake up with my heart pounding, can't go back to sleep right away, I think those are great.

I know I'm not alone with my enjoyment of them, or there wouldn't be such a big call for them.

Give me a good horror movie over a romantic type movie any day.  If there is something wrong with me for enjoying all this, oh well, it's part of who I am.

As long as Master knows this and still loves me (which he does) then I'm fine!

Monday's

Suck.

I hate Mondays.

I hate my job. I seriously need a new one.  I don't mind working, I just hate having to help a bunch of other people with their job.  And I can't say no.  I need a job where I just do my thing and that's it.  There's too many variables and stuff to do.  And if there is a customer I have to stop what I'm doing.  If I could just have to focus on customers I'd be fine, if I could just work on all the paper work stuff, that would be fine, but trying to wedge it all in in the same amount of hours that everyone else works.  I'm tired, I'm really really tired of this job.

I basically do the job of two people.  About a year ago, they cut a job, that was basically an assistant manager, and made a new position, which they gave me.  I do the job she did, plus the job I was already doing.  I did get a small raise, but she was salary, so she was paid well.  I'm paid ok, I guess.

The problem is, anything I could do, doesn't pay well, anything I would like to do, doesn't pay well.  Or, I would have to go back to school to get some sort of degree.

I'm tired of being responsible. I don't want to be anything but a peon, especially if I'm working in a corporation, but I'd honestly rather not work for a corporation anymore.

I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, and people have much worse jobs, or no jobs at all, but damn it, I want a job I enjoy.

Sundays

Sundays are a good and bad day for me.

Good, because I can, usually, sleep as late as I want, not shower, and bum around the house, or clean, or do whatever I feel like doing.  Today I spent much of the day working on a scarf I sold, and watching tv.  I love Sundays like this, Master and I just hanging out in the living room, watching our shows, just being.  Kiddo drifts in and out, sometimes watching tv with us, sometimes playing her keyboard, or hanging out in her room.  It's a day to relax.

And then, in the evening, Master heads off to work, and that's when my day starts to go to the bad side.  Master starts work late on Sundays, so he leaves at 6:30, and I know the day is winding down.  Which means I have to look forward to a new week of work.  Which I hate.  So I get bummed out.  It's even worse when I had to work Saturday, like I did this weekend.  The Saturdays I work, kiddo and I also go to church in the evening, so I'm barely home, giving me, basically, a one day weekend.

I know, I'm lucky to have a job, especially one with decent hours, paid vacations, sick days, federal holidays off, etc, etc.  But I don't like it.  I could, but working for the type of company I work for, it goes against so much of what I like to believe I am.  I work for a fairly big corporation, which means I have to dress a certain way, act a certain way, etc, etc.  And it's getting worse and worse the longer I'm there.  They want to me to push product on people, which I hate.  And it doesn't help that I really don't like the people I work with.  There are only 6 of us there, and truly, I don't like most of them.

So, tomorrow I go for blood work.  I can't eat after 8:30 tonight.  Tomorrow should be fun.  I have low blood sugar issues, and issues with having blood drawn.  Master is taking me, since I have been known to pass out after having blood drawn, and will drive me to work when it's done, I'm hoping I won't be too useless at work, although at the same time, I would love to have a reason just to sit at my desk and do nothing all day.

I also need to look into a therapist, the Dr gave me a list of mental health places when I was there and suggested I call one, I may look into that at lunch time, we'll see.

Well, I'm going to watch more Firefly until bed time, take my pills and eat until 8:30.

Happy Full Moon!

Midas Touch

I've got it, although it seems like everything I touch turns to crap.

I feel like crap right now.  I'm sure it's my new pills, I was warned they may upset my stomach.  They are.  I have had no appetite for the last two days, and right now, I feel like I could puke.  I ate something, hoping that would help, and I know soon the pills will knock me out, so I'll be asleep.

I also was warned that these new pills could make me suicidal for the first two weeks, while I don't feel suicidal, I am super down.

There is water all over the basement again, I ran a load of laundry, this time water went every where cause the wash tub over flowed.  I felt like I was making headway, with the upstairs being tidy, except the kitchen, which I was going to work on tomorrow, but now I feel like the house is a wreck.

The basement is my junk pile, there is so much crap just piled up on the floor all over the place, and now there are dirty/wet clothes and water all over the floor.

And while the house is tidy, I need to wash all the bedding, I haven't vacuumed in like two months, the bathroom needs a good scrubbing as does the kitchen.  But I'm never home.  And when I am, I'm too tired.

I feel like a worthless wife and mother.  To me that is what is important, being a wife and mother.  Being there for my family.  And I'm not.  I'm shit, I'm worthless.  I can barely function when I'm home, and that's not very much.

I really hope these pills work.  I need to feel better.  I need to be in a better mood and have more energy.  Things need to get better.

Bottoms up!

Well, today started off very rocky.  I fell in the basement.  I had taken the hose that drains the water from the washing machine out of the wash tub last night, and forgot, and started a load of laundry.  Yea, the first cycle of water was all over the basement floor.  I went down the steps,and didn't see the water cause it was dark and I went flying as soon as my foot hit the floor.

Work was alright today.  I work with people I don't really like, and am liking them less and less the longer I work with them, but the day went by ok.  

I also got to go out with one of my two friends that are not family.  I don't have very many friends, and that's fine by me.  KA used to work with me, but moved to a different branch, so we mostly text, talk on the phone a bit after work, and email during work.  It was nice to get to see her.  I know she needs to get out more.  I need to invite her to come visit here, or to do things that she can do and bring her son.  But I know she needs time away from him too.  We didn't do much, went to one of those mom's night out things where there are a bunch of people from different home sales trying to sell stuff, or get you to do a show.  But as she told everyone, we don't have friends...lol.  Then we went and got dinner.

I am all alone tonight, which is good and bad.  I don't mind it much, I like being by myself sometimes, I tend to get a lot more done around the house.  Although that won't happen tonight, cause it's late and I'm sleepy and have to work in the morning.

The bummer thing is, my kiddo has been asked to a few sleep overs lately, and Master always works on the weekends.  So we can't take advantage of the kiddo being gone and have loud wild kinky sex all over the house.

I wish things could be different, but I need to learn to make the most of how they are.

A beginning

So, in order to start building up our BDSM aspect of our relationship, I plan to send Master articles from time to time with ideas that I like or find interesting.  The first one I did the other night, and it was about writing assignments.  So, Master has told me that I need to journal daily.  I plan to do it here.  And do my best to keep up on it.  The tricky part will be to find a time when I can focus on it, before I'm too tired from the day.  Like right now, I can barely keep my eyes open, but I'm the only one awake in the house, and the tv is off, so I can focus.  Just wish I was more alert.

I started on meds  yesterday for anxiety, and depression.  I went to the Doctor, talked to him about how down I've been feeling and things I've thought and done, and he prescribed these, I'm really hoping they helped.  I also got my pap smear done.  I hate those, they are so painful.  And just, icky.

Work is work, I really don't like a few of my co-workers, but what can you do?  I'm just trying my best to do my job and plow through every day.

I think that's it for tonight.  Tomorrow I should be able to write more, DD is going to spend the night at a friend's house and Master is working, so once I get home, I have the house to myself.

I also think from now on, when I have blog ideas, I'm going to jot them down, so I can use them later, rather than forget them.

Pulled apart

I'm feeling lost and confused, and pulled apart in so many directions.

Let me start by saying March is a fucked up month for me all the time.  23 years ago, my step father at the time, fondled me.  That led to a few weeks of my debating on if it was an accident, or on purpose, if I should say anything or not.  Because it was my mothers birthday in the middle of the month, I kept my mouth shut until after her birthday.  And then I broke down and told some friends, who made me tell my teacher, and then it was out of my hands.  It turned out that he had been doing horrid things to my little sister for years.  And then all hell broke lose.  I don't remember a lot about those times.  My birthday is the 26th of this month as well, and we were living with my aunt and uncle during my birthday, my uncle was the only one who remembered, and bought me roses.  It was my 16th birthday.

Since then, March has been a shitty month for me.  Not on purpose.  It should be a great month, and some years go by with out too much trouble.  It's my birthday month, Master's birthday month, and our anniversary month.  It's spring, the beginning of the warm weather and the end of my winter blues.

But some Marches I'm a mess, I can barely function, no sex drive, no nothing.  I really hope this March is a good month.

Then there are all the things I want to do.  I want to write a novel, I have a few ideas, but I never have the time.  I want to study Wicca/witchcraft, and start practicing some, to see what I want to include in my spiritual path.  And I'm feeling really really lost there.  I believe in God, and I believe in Jesus, but I believe there is so much more possibility.  I want to honor and worship and use nature in my spirituality.  I want to use Crystal's and meditation, I want to have my cards, and aura read.  I want to learn about Chakra's and Reiki, and all the "new age" stuff.  But I have no idea where to start.

I want to learn more about being an empath, I want to develop my skills, to "protect" myself, and to help others.  To do readings and what not.

I also really really feel the need to be submissive, a slave.  To dive head first into BDSM, full time, no holds barred, to try everything I've ever wanted to.

I want to do so much and I feel like I don't even have the time to do normal day to day stuff.  I feel like I'm drowning.

I feel like there are so many roads to explore, and I'm stuck spinning my wheels.

I need help.

Home

Master is home, and I'm so relieved, but also sad and grumpy and tired.  I think all the emotions I've pushed down since Thursday have boiled to the surface.  I am so happy to have him home, I was bouncing off the walls when I first went to pick him up.  But now I just want to cry and then sleep for a week.

It's time of big change in our house, healthier habits, and hopefully our BDSM lifestyle gets back on track too.  But we shall see.

I guess that's it for now, I'm going to do what needs to be done and crash.  Sucks that I have to work all week.

Lost

Master is in the hospital.  I feel so lost.

He works nights, I'm used to him being gone at night, but this is so different.

I could go up to the hospital, to be with him, but he told me not to.  I would just be watching him sleep, but I would be near him.

I plan to go visit him tomorrow morning.  Of course, this happens when I have a ton of stuff to do.

I haven't told E the details, she doesn't need to worry, I don't want it to affect her, so we are just playing it down for her.

On the flip side of all this, I've found out who I can truly count on, who my friends are, and who are just selfish people.

I haven't told most of my family, because we don't know much. They are running tests, it's his blood pressure for sure, it's possible he has had a heart attack in the past, and there may be current blockage.

I'm still fearing the worst, coming up with plans on what we would do if....  so many different ways this could go.

But the surprising thing is, I haven't freaked out yet.  There's been a couple times I've wanted to ball my eyes out, but of course, every time I felt like that, it was a time I couldn't.

Maybe once I get E to bed, and crawl into bed myself.

At least I don't have to be at work tomorrow.

Containing my freak out

 So, Master is off to the hospital in the morning.

He went to the Doctor today, after much nagging.  And they wanted to call an ambulance, and make him go to the hospital right then, but he said no.  So tomorrow morning, before work, I have to drop him off at the ER.  It's his blood pressure, and this is the second time this has happened.  He was on medication for this before, but because we lost health insurance, he went off his meds.

I'm freaking out.

I'm a daughter of an alcoholic, and have a wonderful history of horrid shit happening, and I have always been the one to deal with, and fix the situation, even as a 16 year old.  So, I have learned to plan for the worst.

It makes me do things like, planning what would happen if he died.  How'd I pay the bills, how'd I handle the funeral, what would I do?

I'm trying not to freak out though, cause I don't want to worry Master any more than he already is.

I have so much stuff I could/should be doing, but I can't freaking focus on anything.

I'm going to take some melatonin, and try to sleep.

Crazy

Someone once said that the definition of crazy, is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I am crazy.

Every night, before I go to bed, I think of all the things I'm going to do the next day.  I'm going to start the day off right, I'm going to do great at work, I'm not going to waste time, I'm going to get the house in shape, get on top of things, work out, study things, get things accomplished, make a difference, blah, blah blah.

What I actually do every day.

Hit snooze, scramble around in the morning, making myself grumpy, and flustered, I get to work, and give up right away, and feel like I'm spending the day just trying to get caught up, I get home, watch a show while I eat dinner, watch another show, and another, and a ton, lately I have been working on my side business, making crocheted, geeky hats, then I get tired, and decide I'll do things differently tomorrow.

But, that being said, I want to start making better habits, I need to start doing something different, trying something new.

I need to get our house in shape before Friday,we will have an exchange student staying with us for a week.  I also want to start studying Wicca, I found an online group, that has a "Class" self study, to incorporate Christianity and Wicca, I want to start doing that.
I want to do so much but I feel like I never have enough time.

Things will change this week.

But for tonight, I'm going to veg out for the rest of the night and watch The Guild.

I wish I had time, and a decent enough computer, to play an online game like that.

I'm back

Stay tuned for more posts, when I'm not completely exhausted and about to fall asleep.  Happy 2014!