Thursday, March 20, 2014

Wanting to want again

I had my ultra sound done today.  Not only did they do the external one, they did the vaginal one too.  THAT was not fun.  It wasn't as bad as the dreaded pap smear, but it sure was uncomfortable.

My doctor says he is going to figure out what is wrong with me.  I don't believe him.  I have had irregular cycles since I started my period at the age of 12.  I can have two a month, or none for a year and a half.  They are usually about 9 days long, and almost always super heavy.  So heavy I have to wear night time super pads all the time, except the last day or two.  I've had periods where the cramps are so bad I puke, or so light, I'm not sure if they are actually periods or just spotting.

And so far, all of the tests I've ever had in the past show nothing is wrong.

But he's going to figure it out.

I want a hysterectomy.

My only fear about that is losing my sex drive.

I used to have a really good one, but it's been gone for a while, and I'd like it back.

I miss wanting sex.

Master and I have play time, when we can, which is not often lately, but there was a time when I would want it every day, and ache for the times we could be together.  Lately, I don't even want it when we can be together.

Once I get going I'm fine, and we have GREAT sex, but I could honestly go with out it, and not miss it much.

I'm hoping my anti-depression meds help with that, but I have to be patient and see what they do.

But I miss being horny.  I used to write awesome porn, read porn, sext with Master, and long to be with him most of the day.  I can't wait to be like that again.

I want to want it.

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