Sunday, March 9, 2014

Pulled apart

I'm feeling lost and confused, and pulled apart in so many directions.

Let me start by saying March is a fucked up month for me all the time.  23 years ago, my step father at the time, fondled me.  That led to a few weeks of my debating on if it was an accident, or on purpose, if I should say anything or not.  Because it was my mothers birthday in the middle of the month, I kept my mouth shut until after her birthday.  And then I broke down and told some friends, who made me tell my teacher, and then it was out of my hands.  It turned out that he had been doing horrid things to my little sister for years.  And then all hell broke lose.  I don't remember a lot about those times.  My birthday is the 26th of this month as well, and we were living with my aunt and uncle during my birthday, my uncle was the only one who remembered, and bought me roses.  It was my 16th birthday.

Since then, March has been a shitty month for me.  Not on purpose.  It should be a great month, and some years go by with out too much trouble.  It's my birthday month, Master's birthday month, and our anniversary month.  It's spring, the beginning of the warm weather and the end of my winter blues.

But some Marches I'm a mess, I can barely function, no sex drive, no nothing.  I really hope this March is a good month.

Then there are all the things I want to do.  I want to write a novel, I have a few ideas, but I never have the time.  I want to study Wicca/witchcraft, and start practicing some, to see what I want to include in my spiritual path.  And I'm feeling really really lost there.  I believe in God, and I believe in Jesus, but I believe there is so much more possibility.  I want to honor and worship and use nature in my spirituality.  I want to use Crystal's and meditation, I want to have my cards, and aura read.  I want to learn about Chakra's and Reiki, and all the "new age" stuff.  But I have no idea where to start.

I want to learn more about being an empath, I want to develop my skills, to "protect" myself, and to help others.  To do readings and what not.

I also really really feel the need to be submissive, a slave.  To dive head first into BDSM, full time, no holds barred, to try everything I've ever wanted to.

I want to do so much and I feel like I don't even have the time to do normal day to day stuff.  I feel like I'm drowning.

I feel like there are so many roads to explore, and I'm stuck spinning my wheels.

I need help.

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