Time with Master

I love my time with Master.

It doesn't matter what we are doing, just being in the same room with him makes me happy!

We had a little time together yesterday before I had to go to work, and then a little time after work as well.  And of course, we had play time.

Today, I had to work, but we've had the afternoon together, and went to church together this evening.  Now we are chilling out, watching the Green Hornet, and such.  I'm assuming we'll have playtime again tonight.

I really miss being a SAHM, cause we got to spend so much more time together.  BUT, I really don't think I totally appreciated the time we had together like I do now.

Like, nights he doesn't work, I feel like we have to have playtime, we have to take advantage of that time as much as possible.

I still wish neither one of us had to work, and we could just enjoy each other all the time, but for now, we have to do what we have to do.

Dreaming

We did buy lotto tickets, 15 dollars worth in fact.  And while, realistically, I know we won't win, it is so fun, just for these next couple hours, to dream.

To think about what it would be like to have more money than you could ever possibly use.

I would pay off my debts, credit cards, house, medical bills, etc.  We would buy new cars, probably a new house, I would pay off all my family's debt too.  My dad, my mom, my grandma, my sisters, my brothers, I would make sure they had a clean slate, at least.

I'm sure we would invest, get money set aside to make sure DD was set for life, for if she wanted to go to school, whatever.

I would take care of my dearest friends too.  There's not that many of them, but I would do my best to help them out.  Especially my BFF.

Now for real dreams, and the selfish stuff.

I would buy real estate, I would love to own properties and rent them out.  I would love to have a big house, with lots of land around it to live on.  Maybe some horses.  I would buy an RV, so we could travel around the country, I would also probably hire staff, including a teacher, so we could do whatever we wanted year round, with out having to worry about school.

I would love to travel to Europe as well.

Another thing I would love to do, own a BDSM Bed and Breakfast, with dungeons.

There's lots more things, like buying a new laptop of each of us, with Sims 3 for me.  Getting a personal trainer and cook so I could get in shape, iPhones, clothes, spa days, lots and lots of fun stuff.

Not to mention, donating to things, like Girl Scouts, Salvation Army, HUB, and other things that, things that made a difference in my life.

The changes it could make are endless.

But again, these are just dreams, fun to think about.

But what I need to do is focus on my crafting, and my writing, with my writing, I may, some day, make some money.

Need to get to work on that.

Crafty

I've been bitten by the crafting bug again.  I knit a dishcloth the other day, and the last few days I've been working on my new thing, Duct Tape Wallets.  I made one for DD, and a couple others, then Master requested one.  A plain duct tape silver one.  I happily bought some tape for that and made him one tonight.

I have loved crafts since I was taught to crochet about 10 or so years ago.  I can also knit (basic) and do a few odd and end things, like Quilling, and Kumihimo braiding (which is how I made my collar and cuffs).

In all the time I've been crafting, Master has only asked for a handful of things, the wallet, a hat this winter (since he has been shaving his head), and a couple years ago, a blanket.  It was what was referred to online as a 3 SUB.  A 3 strand ugly blanket.  You take 3 strands of yarn, any colors, and crochet with it, as one color runs out you replace it with another color.  The trick is to try your best from using matching colors.  Anyway, it's huge (big enough for a queen sized bed) and super warm, and he uses it all the time.

I have come to realize, I love making things for Master, I love when he sees me making things and asks me to make him one.  It makes me feel useful, wanted and special.  That I can do something special for him.

I hope I can make more things for him in the future.

So tired

I don't know why, but I've been super tired since this weekend.  I did manage to squeeze in a run today, got 3.1 miles in in 55.19 minutes.  I have a plan to make that shorter and shorter, while making the actual time I run longer and longer.  So far it's going good.

But I feel like a slacker.  The dining room and kitchen are a mess, I really need to start tackling the basement, and so many other things, but all I want to do right now is crawl into bed.

Tomorrow I'm off, still don't know if I will be full time anytime soon, so I'm hoping to get some stuff tackled tomorrow.  But what I'm really looking forward to tomorrow, is that Master and I are supposed to have play time tomorrow!  I can't wait!

And, we'll even have some family time together tomorrow too.

Guess I should go to bed and rest up for tomorrow!

Away

Master, DD and I went away this weekend.

It was nice.  Laid back, not too much drama (we went with my Dad, step mom, 1 brother, 2 step sisters, 1 BIL and a niece and nephew. )

We spent some time together as a big group, Master and I got some time by our selves, and we even got total alone time at the casino.

We didn't win anything, in fact, we lost a bit of money at the casino, but that's ok.  We had fun this weekend, and that is what matters.

In fact, Master made it a new rule that we have to get away, even if it's just for the weekend, a couple times a year at least.  I really like that rule.  It's nice to be somewhere and not feel like there is so much I should be doing.  In fact, I didn't even bring my laptop, which is why there was no blog, blogging on my kindle would have been a lot of work.

Today is my birthday as well.  While I had to work, and do Girl Scouts, Master said I could do whatever I wanted today, so I did do some cleaning, but am blowing off what wasn't done, and I'll get it caught up tomorrow.

Still waiting to hear about the promotion.  We'll see.

Guess that's it, now back to your regularly scheduled program!

One more day

Tomorrow will be a good day, especially once it's done, or at least, once the work day is done, cause  so many things should go right.

Tomorrow we are SUPPOSED to find out who gets the lead position at work.  While I would like it, and could use the raise, I'm just looking forward to us knowing, and filling the position so things can, hopefully, run smoother at work.

Then Saturday, early morning, we are going on a mini vacation with my dad's side of the family.  Which I have mixed emotions about, but am feeling better about now.  Hoping the hotel is haunted.....

And tomorrow night, my non-related BFF and I, and our daughters (who are bff's) are going to my old high school to see their musical!

Should be a fun night!

It's going to be a busy, but hopefully really good weekend, and I'm going to do my best to enjoy every minute of it!

My Master

Today is 14 years that Master and I have been married.  We have been together for 16.  We have been together since I was 19.  Basically my whole adult life.  Almost half my life.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

My Master got the short end of the stick when we got together.  I was a messed up girl, from a messed up family, with a whole host of issues to deal with.

He has slowly helped me, possibly unknowingly, becoming the person I am today.  He is my life, other than our daughter, and I would do anything for him.  I want to help make him happy, I want to do so much for him.  To do for him, what he did for me, in short, I do believe, he saved me from myself.

I was on a bad road, doing stupid things, when I met him.  He said, from all he had heard about me, he didn't expect someone like me.  And I'm not surprised.  Thankfully, he got past the rumors, and agreed to go out with me, when I asked him out, in my round about way.  (Thank God for lemons, and whipped cream)

He was working in the kitchen and I asked him for whipped cream, he asked what I would give him in return, I told him I would love him forever.  Then later when I needed lemons, he said that since I'm already going to love him forever, what would I give him, and I said I would go out with him on a date.  Later I went up and we decided when would go out.

The first date was the clincher for me.  The fact that all he did was kiss me goodnight afterwards, and didn't try to take me home to fuck me.  I walked in the door and informed my sister that I was going to marry that man.

And I did.

He is the cheese to my macaroni, he is my rock, he is my sounding board, he is my lover and my best friend, he is my husband, he is my Master.  He is my one and only.

I love him so much,and I hope he knows that.

Afternoon Delight

So, I got off work on time, and DD had an after school event to attend, SOOO!

Master and I got to squeeze in some play time.  It was nice, to come home, find him waiting in bed for me.  It was really nice, especially when I was rubbing his cock, teasing him, and he flipped me over on the bed and fucked me.  I love when he is forceful!  MMMM.

Then, I ate lunch, and Master and I watched the season finale of Walking Dead.  LOVE that show!!!

DD and I went to the Y, worked out, and then stopped to buy a little gift for Master.

Tomorrow is our 14th Wedding Anniversary, and while we weren't going to get anything for each other, his buckle on his good belt broke.  SO!  DD and I went and got him a belt buckle....a SPOCK belt buckle.  I really hope he likes it!  I am leaving it on his laptop so he can get it when he gets home!  I will probably get up to watch him open it.

I'll write more about Master and our anniversary tomorrow, since tomorrow is our anniversary.

I am going out with my sister for a while tomorrow, we are going to lunch, and she is taking me somewhere to get my birthday gift.  I have an idea of what it may be, but we will see.

Well, I should get going, going to finish picking up the house, have a snack, and start a playlist for this weekend, we are going on a road trip, so I'll need some tunes to drive to!

Blah

I'm in a funk.

There is so much drama going on, with Girl Scouts, at work, just in general.  I'm so sick of people and their bull shit.  It doesn't help that I'm so freaking tired all the time.  I need to get more sleep, I need to get things done around the house, I need to quit wasting so much time online.  I need to exercise more, and eat less crap.

I need to get my ass off the computer right now and do stuff.

So, here I go.

Almost done

We had our last cookie booth today, of the season, and as of March 25th, the sale is OVER!  I can't wait!

On the plus side, my daughter may hit 500 boxes of cookies!  She passed 400 today and is almost to 500 already!

I had a good night last night, play with Master, stayed up till 2, and had to get up at 7 to sell cookies all day, so I'm super tired.  Going to finish up a few things and crash in bed, I can't wait to climb in there and fall asleep!

I'll trade you!

So, lately I've seen a few people that don't appreciate what they have as far as mothers go.

I don't have the best relationship with my mother.  She never WAS a mother, more like a sister, and while I understand she has some issues that make it harder for her to be a "normal" mom, somethings, like the Alcoholism, were totally her choice.

So, when I see people who have mothers that do things for them, be it normal things like visiting, or calling on a regular basis, hell, even sending a birthday card would be a step up.

But then, I know mom's who are also grandma's.  They watch their grandkids on a regular (some on a daily) basis.  I know of one that has her grandkids more than her daughter does.  I know one that takes her granddaughter to all her functions, like scouts, field trips, etc.

I know that these grandmothers do more for their grandkids than the mothers do, and if it weren't for the Grandmothers (like my own grandmother did for me) then the kids would suffer.  But then to see the daughters of these wonderful women call them a bitch, or a backstabber, or whatever, pisses me off.

My daughter would love to have a grandmother that visited on a regular basis, that remembered her birthday, that took her places, cooked with her, let her spend the night every so often.  And it's not like my mom lives far away, it's about a 10 minute drive to her house!

My step mother (who by the way, is one of these grandmothers being taken advantage of, by one of my stepsisters) would do all these things for my daughter, but, she lives a 2 1/2- 3 hour drive away, and with gas prices right now, we don't get out there that often.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, I do.  I know she has her issues, she has learning disabilities and such, I understand that, but what I wouldn't give to have a mom like these women I know.

I would also like to add, that Master's mother was a wonderful wonderful women, and watched our daughter often.  But, God saw fit to take her, and Master's father away from us years ago, so we only had a short time with them and our daughter.

So, while I understand no one is perfect, I really wish I could shake these women, and make them see how great their mom's are!  It could be worse, they could not be there for you at all, be it that they are just not around, or already gone from the earth.

Spoiled

I have a wonderful Master.

I had the day off today, and I had a huge list of thing I was going to do, errands, cleaning, all sorts of stuff.  Master told me not to worry about it.  He told me that it was my day off, and that I was to relax.

He also knew how hard that was for me.  I'm a lazy person to a certain extent, but I like things to be clean.  If I had the energy in my body to match the way my brain worked.... my house would be spot less, and totally organized all the time.

So, I did run errands, certain things had to be done, I had to pick up Girl Scout cookies for this weekend, and I HAD to go grocery shopping, we were down to one slice of bread.

I am working on tidying the house before bed, mainly putting away groceries and such.

But, Master and I did have play time today, so that was really nice.

I have to work the next two days, but Master has the next two days off, so we'll have some playtime again!  Looking forward to some more fun time with Master.

I feel like such a lucky slave girl tonight!

Not enough time

Or energy.

There is so much I need, want, should do, but I can never get it all done.  Or at least that's how it feels.

I'm working on deep cleaning the house, so I can get it to a level of maintenance, and I've been trying to do a bit of time every day on it, but it's not looking good for today.

BUT!  I did get some yard work done today, so I  feel ok about it.

I've got a massive list going in my head for what I need to do tomorrow, and I am going to write it down, and see how much I should be able to knock off.

I'm feeling overwhelmed, a mild panic rising in me, but I'm not sure why.  I just need to breath, and take one day at a time.

The good thing is, I don't have to work tomorrow.

I'm not in a happy place when it comes to work.

I'm off to make my list.

I hope play time with Master ends up on it!

Happy Birthday Master!

Today is my Master's 49th Birthday.  I didn't get to spend much time with him, I worked, and He worked.  I wasn't able to get him a gift, or bake him a cake or anything, which really bothers me.

Birthdays are very special, important days to me.  They are the one day you don't have to share with anyone, and you should be treated very special.

Instead, I spend part of what little time we have together (my lunch hour) in tears.

I felt selfish after that.

I want to do so much for my Master, I want to give him everything he could want, I want to be the perfect slave, housewife, mother, whatever he wishes.  I want to keep a clean house, always having my chores done.  I want to be able to satisfy him sexually every day, or more often.  I want him to not have to worry about bills, or what will happen if a car breaks down, or an appliance stops working.  I want him to be able to relax and enjoy life, or at the very least, his birthday.  But I wasn't able to do that this year.

But next year, oh, next year is going to be different.

It will be his 50th, and I plan to make it a week long celebration, with many many surprises.

Now to get started on the planning.

And for this year, I don't work on Thursday, so at the very least he will be getting a massage, I got my book today!!!

I love you Master!  Happy Birthday!

100 years old

I don't know how great this post will be, cause I've got a banging migraine going on, and I just took some drugs which should make me feel better soon, while making me loopy at the same time, but here goes:

Happy 100th Anniversary Girl Scouts!!!

I want to write so much more about the Girl Scouts, but I'll save it for another day, being with 14 of them tonight gave me a migraine....lol!

Laundry soap

Ok, this is a long time coming, but since I just made my second batch of laundry soap, here are pictures from the first time I made it!

Supplies

Boiling water

Fels Naptha

 Cutting it into little peices

Putting the pieces in the water

Halfway done with the bar

All in!

Supplies for the fabric softner

1 Cup Baking Soda, 2 cups hot water

Together

Mix it well (won't disolve!)

1 Cup Vinegar

Bubbles!

Finished!

Soap all melted 

Empty 5 gallon bucket

Mixed in with 1 cup Borax and 1 Cup Washing Soda

Keep adding hot water

Stir

Baking soda separated, have to shake it up with each use.

Stir as it cools and turns to gel!

The five gallon bucket lasted me a little over 2 months, the fabric softener, not as long. 

Now to find more cleaning items I can make on my own!

Journal Prompt

If SM is a part of your dynamic explain how pain works for you. Is it a sexual turn on, a healing release, a spiritual moment, a session of giving?


From Submissive Journal Prompts

S and M is part of our relationship.  I would like it to be a bigger part of our relationship, but we are taking things slowly, to see what er a comfortable with.  Also, I know Master is a bit worried about hurting me, so we are taking it slow, finding out what I can take, and what we like.

So far I have found I'm totally into spanking, we tried out his belt, I liked that, and we recently tried out caning, which I LOVED.  We have tried hot wax, biting, pinching, all sorts of good things, and I've enjoyed them all.

To me, much of it is a sexual turn on, just having my hair pulled will get my heart racing, and my juices flowing, bring on a spanking, or a caning, and I'm ready to fuck in no time.  But another part of it is a release.  There have been times where I have asked Master for a spanking because of the mood I'm in.  If I'm cranky, or feeling out of sorts, or out of control, whatever the case may be, and I get a good spanking, lots of pain, be it followed by sex or not, I'm centered again, grounded, focused.  It's a freeing and wonderful feeling for me.

There are times, when we are playing, getting ready for sex, foreplay going, and I can't shut my mind off.  I keep thinking about what happened that day, what I need to do the next day, next week, what I should have done that day that I didn't do, what I should be doing now, etc. etc.  I just can't shut my brain off and enjoy what is happening to me in that moment.  But, should Master roll me over and bite my ass (literally) or spank me, pull my hair, pinch my nipples, cause me some sort of delicious pain, my brain shuts right the fuck up and I'm able to focus on what we are doing, and enjoy sex.

So, I look at it as this, I need the pain, to be a happy, healthy slave.  And I'm lucky to have a Master willing to give it to me.

Tomorrow

Master is off work tomorrow!!!!!

I can't wait!!!

Play time, true, proper play time, sex and all!

I can't wait!

Blah

Today is one of those days.  I'm in a blah, grumpy mood.  No real reason. I got lots of sleep, work was whatever, I don't know, I'm just in a pissy mood.

I have to work all day tomorrow, not only that, I have to be at work 30 minutes early for a conference call thing.  *sigh*

I'll be counting the hours until Saturday.

It'll be a long day, the first chunk of it being spent at Science Olympiad with DD.  Then, there is a spaghetti dinner fundraiser we are going to.

What I'm looking forward to though, play time with Master.  I'm going to ask him to cane me again, this time, before sex.  Plus, I may read to him from one of my books.

I started reading Justine last night, by the Marquis de Sade.  I have a ton of books started, I need to finish some.  But I was in the mood for something new, that was kink related, and it was free on my kindle.

I feel like I'm so boring here.  Maybe one day I'll have more exciting things to blog about.

Weight lifted

Master went out yesterday and did his thing, stopping at the Sec. of State, and the tire shop, to get our tags, his new lisc. and 3 new tires.  Spending a bit of money.

Today, I went to court, didn't have to talk to the judge or anything, just pay a (hefty) fine and I was on my way.

So, while our savings account is depleted, a lot of things that were hanging over my head are GONE!  Now I can just focus on normal stress stuff, and work.

Which, I ended up having today off.  I got some stuff done, went to the gym, and now I'm working on getting the house caught up.  Taking a break to write this.

I just have the kitchen and the chin cage left to go.

Well, that's just to get basic picking up done.  There is TONS of cleaning I could be doing.  I need to get deep cleaning and decluttering going soon, then work on getting a cleaning schedule down.  It's just hard since my schedule is different every week, it's hard to get a routine down.  If I get full time, while I'd have less time to do stuff, I could at least make a routine.

Anyway, enough of my boring chit chat.  Time to get back to work!

Anxiety and happiness

I have court tomorrow.

I'm scared as hell.

I got a ticket a while ago, for not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign.  So, I'm going to court tomorrow, to hopefully at least get my points removed.  I don't want to have to pay a huge fine, but I will if I have to.  The normal ticket price is 95 dollars, and it's 3 points, so I mainly want the points taken off.

I'm just scared, it's something I've never done before, full of strangers.  I don't know what to expect.  I have been to court twice before, but both times I was the "good guy"  this time I'm the "bad guy"  and I'm scared.

Master keeps telling me that it's not like they are going to through me in jail or anything, but I can't help being scared.  I did something wrong.

I can't wait to get it over with!

On the good side:

I got to experience my first caning yesterday.

I LOVED IT!!

It hurt so much, it was stingy and wonderful.  There were a few times that I almost called a color, but Master seems to read me pretty well, and slowed down right around the times I was wondering if I could take anymore.

I had welts on my ass afterward, and there were still a few this morning.  I loved it!

I got 4 canes at the dollar store.  Master broke 1 into 4 pieces last night, we still have 3 more, but I think we may have to buy more!  I'll store them someplace out of the way.

Master seemed to enjoy it too, so I'm happy about that!

Plus, he let me order the book about massage I wanted, it shipped out today, so I'm looking forward to getting it in the mail and studying it!

So, despite my anxiety about tomorrow, I'm one happy slave!

Something to learn

I gave Master a massage last night, I think he enjoyed it, he appeared to be pretty relaxed.  I just wish I actually knew what I was doing.

My senior year of high school I got this book and taught myself massage.  My friends seemed to enjoy it, and I had a friend whom I was able to put to sleep with a facial massage.

I would like to work on this more, and give Master massages often, at least once a week.  I would love to be able to help him, get rid of tension and body aches.  I would love to help him stress less, to feel better, more relaxed, and I think it's another great way of staying connected.  While I would like to get really good, I only want to learn this for Masters benefit.  It's not like I plan to make a career change, cause I know there is no way I could do that as a job.  Even though it would be a good paying one.

So, my first step is to see if Master will allow me to get that book again, then the next step is to practice and study, along with slowly buying better oils and such, I also think this will tie back into me learning about aromatherapy again, something else I'm very interested in.  Maybe even learning some reflexology too.

I'm hoping to make Master very happy with my hands!

Improvement

Doing better today.

Woke up with anxiety, got some things done, had a cookie booth today, and now that I'm home with Master, chilling out, getting ready to watch The Walking Dead together, I feel better.

My anxiety is still there.  There is part of me that wants it to go away, and part of me that knows I deserve it.

I'll deal with it, one day at a time, slowly and steadily.  It will keep me focused on Master, and pleasing Him, which is what I want to do.  I want to prove to Him how much He means to me, and how much I love Him.  I want to do everything I can to make Him happy, and to be the best slave I can possibly be for Him.

I will strive every day to accomplish this, putting Him first, above everything else.  His wishes, his needs.  And of course, our daughter as well.

Down

Long day, work, cookie booth, a little time in between, but most of that was spent prepping the cookie booth stuff.

I'm feeling down, have been all day, and I believe there are a few things that are causing it. 

One is work, it just sucks right now.

Two is something I can't/shouldn't talk about here.

Three is it's an anniversary month, and every year on this month I end up having mood issues.  20 years ago this month I was felt up by my step father.  I didn't say anything for at least a week, thinking maybe I had done something wrong, or that it was really a mistake. (He did the arm around the shoulder grab).  I waited until a day or two after my mothers birthday and broke down and told some friends at school, who in turn marched me down to the office where I told my assistant principal, and then it was out of my hands.  

Turns out, that was the tip of the iceburg.  He had been molesting/raping my sister for a while.  She is 4 years younger than me, she was 12 at this time.  She hadn't said anything cause he said the normal stuff, like, you wouldn't want to ruin your mom's marriage, and shit like that.  

Anyway, this year is 20 years, and my daughter is 12.  

I'm having a hard time with this.  

I've told my sister many times, I wish I had done more, I wish I had been home, instead of a self absorbed teen, I wish I had known what he was doing to her, I sure as hell would have stopped it!  And she has reassured me time and time again, that all is well between her and I.  That in the aftermath (when mom shut down and became a drunk) I was there to take care of her, in my own way.  And I guess I was, but I still can't help feeling I should have done more.  

So I think this month is going to be rough, for a number of reasons.  

I wish life had a rewind button.  There are a few things I'd like do-overs on.

Too tired

Short blog today.

Work sucks, I'm tired, couldn't run today cause was stuck at work. I have to work in the am too.  I'm so tired and can't wait until Sunday and Monday, I'll have time with Master, and all I want to do is snuggle up with him and watch or horror movie, or some Big Bang Theory.

Now, to pick up the house before I totally crash for the night.

Domestic Goddess

Man I miss these days.

Being back to work for the last 8 months has made me realize how wonderful I had it as a SAHM.  Today was a day I totally took advantage of my day off and was the domestic goddess that I should have been for the last 11 years.

I cooked Tuna Noodle Salad for tomorrow (Lent, no meat on Fridays), I also made spaghetti for today, which was eaten for lunch and dinner, and is almost all gone.  I got the house all cleaned up last night, and laundry is all caught up.

I got grocery shopping done too, so I am set for the weekend, which will be busy.  But I am set, as long as I can keep up on the regular house work, I won't feel like a bad slave, which is how I've been feeling.

I need to learn to juggle housework and work.  I'm working, with Master's help, to work on routines.  I'm also going to work on getting the house into maintainance mode.  But the big thing I have to work on is saying NO!

Not to Master, of course, but to everyone else.  I think the best way to do that is to use Master as an excuse.  I'll tell people I have to ask him first, if I don't feel like I can just say no.  I need to learn to do what is best for my family.

So, that is something I will be working on, learning where I can cut back on things that are keeping me from doing the things I need to do for my families well being.

And today was one of the days where I felt on top of things, and I need more days like this!