Gloomy

I gotta get rid of this gloomy feeling.  Every day, at least every day I work, I am in a gloomy mood.  I don't want to be gloomy, I want to be happy.  I need to find a way to be happy, despite my job.

I need to call my doctor and get my meds upped.

I'm looking forward to therapy tomorrow, this week has been shitty.

And I've got so much shit to do.  First thing I need to do, is finish this scarf I've been working on for forever.

Starting right now.

Good day

Today was a very very good day.

I did half to work, but to me, Saturday's don't really count as work, they are far more laid back, only a short day, and slower.  Then the kiddo and I got our geek on, at a comic book show, and a comic book store.

I spent the rest of the evening working on my scarf and reading my new Walking Dead comics.

Tomorrow, more of the same.  I need to finish this scarf, like two weeks ago, so I will be plugging away at that, I really should do some house work, so I MIGHT do that, and I will be reading more Walking Dead FOR SURE!

I also need to make a resume so I can start looking for a new job.  Something I really need to do, especially after the crap that happened at the meeting on Thursday.

On another good note, looks like we are going to have a thunderstorm tonight, and I LOVE thunderstorms!  I should sleep really good tonight!

Shortie

This blog is going to be a short one, today was too long,and bad, and I'm tired.

One good thing that happened, I spent the evening watching The Shining with Kiddo, and that was the highlight of my day.

I need to make it through the day tomorrow, and half a day on Saturday and I'll have a little break, including a small comic con with kiddo.

I'm trying to hang in there.  This weekend I will make my resume.  I have to get a new job.

Peaceful

Today was a quiet, relaxing day, and what I needed.

I started off a little rough, dogs woke me up at 6:30 to go outside, I had a day off today, so I was bummed, but the problem started once they came back in.  I started freaking out about our finances.  Our washing machine died.  We have to buy a new one, we have some bills to pay, we are going on a small family trip that is going to cost money the end of this month, plus it's Easter, so we have to buy a few things for kiddo's Easter basket.  Then in May, aside from regular monthly bills, we have kiddo's birthday and comic con.  So I was freaking out, and couldn't go back to sleep.  Since Master was asleep, I sent him a text message listing off my thoughts, and that seemed to help, so I finally fell back asleep.

I woke up to get Master up at 8:30, and then went back to sleep till about 9:30

Kiddo and I chilled out, playing games on our phone and watching one of our shows, and then we met a friend of mine for lunch.

Kiddo and I ran a couple errands, and then came home.  I took a 2 hour nap, then got up and worked on my scarf some more.

Master came home with dinner, we ate, watched tv, and then I worked on my scarf some more, and Master is sleeping.

It was a wonderful day, and I wish I could have more like them.

Tomorrow, is a mixed bag.  The morning I have to go to meeting for work, and the last half I go back to my branch to do my desk work.  So, if I can make it through the meeting, I should be good.

I need to work on my resume, my therapist said I need to find a new job, so I am going to work on that.  She said, even if I don't get a new one right away, being proactive about it, should help me feel a little better, and that makes sense.  I'm looking forward to seeing her on Tuesday.

I like feeling good.  Just a week and a half and I'm on a mini vacation.  Looking forward to it.

Much better

So, after my visit with a therapist on Thursday, I did not feel good about how it went.  I didn't feel comfortable with him, there were things I wouldn't be able to tell him, and I didn't like his reaction when I told him about my job.

I asked a friend for advice on finding a therapist.  She suggested that I  do a search on line, using key words of what I was looking for, and then look at the pictures, she said a lot of times you can get a feeling based off of their photos.

So, I did a search, and found a page that listed local therapists, and I came across the therapist I saw about 14 years ago.  I contacted her, and I had my first appt tonight.

It was a world of difference, I walked out feeling so much better, and hopeful.

I go back next week, and I'm looking forward to it.  So glad I switched!

I have tomorrow off, and I'm really hoping it's like last night.

Master and I managed to get in some private time, and it was outstanding, I'm really hoping we get to do that again.

Ritual

This journal prompt was found at Submissive Journal Prompts

“Ritual is important. It is fulfilling and meaningful. It is beautiful. It is symbolic, mnemonic, and instructive. It establishes protocols. It expresses, defines, and clarifies conditions. It is essential to, and ingredient within, civilization. Similarly, do not overlook the significance and value of symbolism.” Vagabonds of Gor, John Norman

Ok, I have two schools of thought on this. 

First school is pro ritual.  I like rituals, I like how comforting and soothing they can be.  It was part of what I enjoyed about the Catholic church when I was converting.  When you first learn, or start a ritual, it's a great way to be mindful, to draw attention to whatever that ritual is for.  

BUT!  

Second school is against it, or at least long term ritual.  Because after a while, you just go through the motions.  At least, I find I do.  At church, saying The Lord's Prayer, at Girl Scout meetings, saying the Pledge of Allegiance, etc, etc.  It loses it's meaning.  

So my thoughts on ritual is, it's good, but not for a permanent thing, they need to be updated, or changed up now and then, so you remain focused and mindful.  

Back to normal

It was nice having a 3 day weekend, but it's at an end, I have to go back to work tomorrow.  BLAH!

I got a lot of work done on my scarf, still have about a fourth of it to go, I'm going to work on cranking it out so I can get started on writing.

I also started feeling down today because I looked around today.  I looked at our yard, in our garage, and in our basement.  I looked at our cars, and in our house.

It was one of those days that looking at all that stuff made me feel horrible.

A neighbor was trimming these very large bushes in our back yard, from his backyard, because they are all over grown and nasty.  He does this often, we never do, and they are our bushes.  Made me feel like crap.

I pulled some weeds and cleaned up some leaves in our front garden, and looked at all our neighbors nice neat yards, and I felt like crap.

I put windshield wiper fluid in our one car, one of two, old, used cars, each with about 180,000 miles on it, each which we owe over a thousand dollars for, and it took me 5 minutes to get the hood shut again, and I felt like crap.

The garage and basement are both a mess, full of stuff we rarely, if ever use.

I have to put a 5 gallon bucket of aquarium rocks on the lid of the washing machine, and then, after the first cycle, I have to go down and throw my body weight on it to get it to keep going.

I feel like crap.

I work, in a job I hate, to be poor.  It sucks.

What really sucks is, I was able to stay home for so long, I should have been more frugal, I shouldn't have procrastinated on things, I should have been thinking long term.  It's my fault I'm in the spot I'm in.

And I feel like crap.

So good

Today was GREAT!  I helped a friend run her Mom2Mom sale, and then spent the rest of the day at home alternating between crocheting my scarf, and cleaning the house.  I did a half hour of one, then a half hour of the other, and kept repeating until about an hour ago, when I decided to knock off my blogging and emails to Master, but I'll do the same thing tomorrow, and will hopefully get a lot of stuff done around the house!

It's amazing how great I feel, by having a 3 day weekend, with really no plans.  I am so looking forward to sleeping as late as I want tomorrow.

Plus, on the advice of a friend, I did an online search for therapists in my area, which I did, because I really don't want to go back to the one I went to last week.  Anyway, during my search I found the therapist that I went to about 14 years ago when I have having anger issues, I sent her an email requesting an appt, so I'm excited and hopeful about it!  I was really comfortable with her last time, and she is in the city I live in, and takes my insurance, so, YEA!!!

I was so worried that I wouldn't feel this good again, but I still have hope!

Playing hooky

I called in sick to work today.

I wasn't sick.

It is amazing to me how not being at work can make such a huge difference in my attitude.  I'm in a great mood today, I washed my bedding and got some cleaning done around the house, and did a lot of crocheting, which I plan to do all weekend, I need to get this last scarf done.

Once the scarf is done, I plan to try to write.  I'm torn between a bunch of short stories, all which would be erotica, or one of the many ideas I have for a novel.  I really need to focus on this dream.  It's a dream I've had since I was about 12, of being a writer.  I am pretty sure I could do it, if I would just set down and do it.

And I will, I will do it.  Come hell or high water.  I have to at least try.

Therapy

So, I met with my therapist for the first time today, and I'm apprehensive.

He's older, like probably in his 60's, it's a male, which, whatever, and he's foreign. Not that there is anything wrong with any of that, but I wonder about communication issues.

On the plus side, he was very positive, he is going to look into my meds, see if they need to be changed, or increased, he said my depression is caused by all my anxiety, which I have a lot of.  And he wants to work with me on my anxiety.

At the same time, I felt skeptical of some of the stuff he was saying, things like, every job is a sales job, even if you don't think it is, being a mom is a sales job.  I guess.....

I go back next week, and we'll see what happens then.  I did cry a lot, but that didn't surprise me.  

I'm having anxiety right now, which I hate.  I'm waiting to hear back from Master, and reality tells me he's just busy at work, but my anxiety is in the back of my mind whispering, he's mad at you, you did something wrong and he's pissed, etc. etc.  It sucks.

I'm thinking about calling in sick to work tomorrow, but we shall see, that's what I'm waiting to hear back from Master about.

Too tired

Too tired to think tonight, but I found a website with journal prompts, I'll start using it tomorrow. 

Hope to have something interesting to post, plus I'll be going to the therapist tomorrow too.

Overwhelmed

Rough day at work, too much stuff to do, here and at home, I can't focus on any of it, feel like I'm drowning, and I'm a failure.  I'm so tired and I need to get so much stuff done, in such little time.  How do people do it?  I can barely keep up with the basics!  Is it something wrong with me?

I don't want to be tired all the time, I don't want to be down all the time.  I want to be happy, I want to have energy and be able to do things, I want to have time to do the things I need to so, and want to do.

I know, I sound like a broken record.  I don't know what else to say.

I'm going to try my best to start writing tonight, at 10 pm, in the mean time, I have to work on other things, and hopefully get stuff done.

Although, to be honest, I just want to crawl into bed and go to sleep, maybe I'll do that instead.