Home

Master is home, and I'm so relieved, but also sad and grumpy and tired.  I think all the emotions I've pushed down since Thursday have boiled to the surface.  I am so happy to have him home, I was bouncing off the walls when I first went to pick him up.  But now I just want to cry and then sleep for a week.

It's time of big change in our house, healthier habits, and hopefully our BDSM lifestyle gets back on track too.  But we shall see.

I guess that's it for now, I'm going to do what needs to be done and crash.  Sucks that I have to work all week.

Lost

Master is in the hospital.  I feel so lost.

He works nights, I'm used to him being gone at night, but this is so different.

I could go up to the hospital, to be with him, but he told me not to.  I would just be watching him sleep, but I would be near him.

I plan to go visit him tomorrow morning.  Of course, this happens when I have a ton of stuff to do.

I haven't told E the details, she doesn't need to worry, I don't want it to affect her, so we are just playing it down for her.

On the flip side of all this, I've found out who I can truly count on, who my friends are, and who are just selfish people.

I haven't told most of my family, because we don't know much. They are running tests, it's his blood pressure for sure, it's possible he has had a heart attack in the past, and there may be current blockage.

I'm still fearing the worst, coming up with plans on what we would do if....  so many different ways this could go.

But the surprising thing is, I haven't freaked out yet.  There's been a couple times I've wanted to ball my eyes out, but of course, every time I felt like that, it was a time I couldn't.

Maybe once I get E to bed, and crawl into bed myself.

At least I don't have to be at work tomorrow.

Containing my freak out

 So, Master is off to the hospital in the morning.

He went to the Doctor today, after much nagging.  And they wanted to call an ambulance, and make him go to the hospital right then, but he said no.  So tomorrow morning, before work, I have to drop him off at the ER.  It's his blood pressure, and this is the second time this has happened.  He was on medication for this before, but because we lost health insurance, he went off his meds.

I'm freaking out.

I'm a daughter of an alcoholic, and have a wonderful history of horrid shit happening, and I have always been the one to deal with, and fix the situation, even as a 16 year old.  So, I have learned to plan for the worst.

It makes me do things like, planning what would happen if he died.  How'd I pay the bills, how'd I handle the funeral, what would I do?

I'm trying not to freak out though, cause I don't want to worry Master any more than he already is.

I have so much stuff I could/should be doing, but I can't freaking focus on anything.

I'm going to take some melatonin, and try to sleep.

Crazy

Someone once said that the definition of crazy, is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I am crazy.

Every night, before I go to bed, I think of all the things I'm going to do the next day.  I'm going to start the day off right, I'm going to do great at work, I'm not going to waste time, I'm going to get the house in shape, get on top of things, work out, study things, get things accomplished, make a difference, blah, blah blah.

What I actually do every day.

Hit snooze, scramble around in the morning, making myself grumpy, and flustered, I get to work, and give up right away, and feel like I'm spending the day just trying to get caught up, I get home, watch a show while I eat dinner, watch another show, and another, and a ton, lately I have been working on my side business, making crocheted, geeky hats, then I get tired, and decide I'll do things differently tomorrow.

But, that being said, I want to start making better habits, I need to start doing something different, trying something new.

I need to get our house in shape before Friday,we will have an exchange student staying with us for a week.  I also want to start studying Wicca, I found an online group, that has a "Class" self study, to incorporate Christianity and Wicca, I want to start doing that.
I want to do so much but I feel like I never have enough time.

Things will change this week.

But for tonight, I'm going to veg out for the rest of the night and watch The Guild.

I wish I had time, and a decent enough computer, to play an online game like that.

I'm back

Stay tuned for more posts, when I'm not completely exhausted and about to fall asleep.  Happy 2014!

Motivation for weight loss

I know I need to lose weight, I need to be healthier, eat healthier, be more active.  And I should want to do it just to be healthy, be a better me.  But you know what, that's not why I want to do it.

I want to do it to look sexy, to feel sexy, to be more bendy and flexible.
I want to be able to do Cosplay next year at Comic-Con
I want to be able to go to The Detroit Erotica Ball next year, and dress appropriately.
I want to be able to look better at MiRF.

I want men to want me and I want my Master to be proud that he has me.

Now I need to figure out how to remember that when I want to eat......

Meme

Ok, need to get back to blogging, and I came across this meme on a blog I follow and I figured it would be a good jumping off point to get back in the swing of things.


1. He's sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?
Anything, Sports, Walking Dead, NCIS, Law and Order, CSI, I could go on and on.

2. You're out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad?
Thousand Island or Blue Cheese, or Ranch

3. The most striking thing about his physical appearance?
How tall he is

4. You go out to eat and have a drink; what does he order?
Water or an iced tea

5. Where did he go to high school?
Lakeshore

6. What size shoe does he wear?
Size 13

7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be?
Music 

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?
Corned beef

9. What would he eat every day if he could?
Steak

10. What is his favorite cereal?
Frosted Flakes

11. What would he never wear?
Women's clothes (although I'm working on getting him in a kilt)

12. What is his favorite sports team?
Michigan teams.  

13.Who did he vote for?
Not our current president

14. Who is his best friend?
I would say me.  

15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't do?
Argue with him or raise my voice at him

16. What is his heritage?
German, possibly Polish

17. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind?
Chocolate, I guess, he wouldn't really care.

18. Did he play sports in high school?
No because he was too busy working and partying.

19. What could he spend hours doing?
Watching sports and surfing the web

20. What is one unique talent he has?
He's very light on his feet, he can sneak up on you easily.


Please feel free to use this meme on your blog to share some little-known facts about your partner.