Don't know

Not really sure what to write about today.

Had the follow up with my doctor today, all is well.  He wants me to see a therapist, so I made an appointment for next week.  Also, it turns out, I'm not supposed to take my two pills together, so I'm fixing that starting today, hoping it keeps me from being so tired all day.

Tomorrow is our quarterly audit at work.  Normally it would be no big deal, but the lady that does the audits has her boss coming with her to observe her.  Her boss is super picky, so she called to warn me about things I had to take care of for tomorrow, I did most of them, but today was my half day, so I ran out of time.

I got some housework done this evening, I would have gotten more done, but I ran out of steam.  I seem to have this small two hour window of energy, I need to start using it more to my advantage to get things done, and hopefully I'll start having more energy soon.

I guess that's it for now.  I'm off to bed.

How

Don't let one person affect you.

HOW?

How do I not?

I am so sick of the people I work with.

One girl is on the path to make my life miserable.

So, how do I not let her get to me?

I'm scared she is trying to make me lose my job, I'm paranoid that she is going to do something that my put my job at risk.  She has me worried.

Not that I love my job, but I want to leave because I leave, not cause they fired me.

So, my plan is to just act like everything is normal, but I am all stressed.

I don't want to be stressed.

I need to find a therapist.

Soon.

Internal struggles

I've stated before that I sometimes feel like I have multiple personalities, that there are many pieces of me.  Part of this problem is that it causes me to struggle internally at times.

Like today.  Sundays, Master doesn't have to start work until late.  So we have a good chunk of the day to spend together.  When Master is home, I don't like to do anything but spend time with him, so that's what I do.  We just chill out in the living room, and watch tv, I often work on a project, and he places on the laptop.  And that's what we did today.

But then I look around the house and see all the things I could/should have done.  The bathroom that needs to be scrubbed down, the laundry I could have had all done, the dishes piling up in the sink, the floor that needs to be vacuumed and the cluttered basement that needs tons of work.

There are days, like tonight, when all of that bothers me, when I want to have a spotless and clean house, and there are days when I could care less.  When I prefer to enjoy my time at home doing things I enjoy, as opposed to spending it all cleaning.  Because, I feel that I could spend all my time at home cleaning, and it would never be clean enough.

I know, for the most part, it doesn't bother Master. As long as the basics are kept up, he's good.  So I guess I shouldn't sweat it.  But there are days I do, and that's my conflict.  Whether to get off my lazy ass and make my house beautiful, or to just do what needs to be done, when I can do it, and not sweat it.

don't know

I'm blank tonight.  Not sure what I should talk about.  It was a long day.  Kiddo was in the Science Olympiad at school, and today was the County Tournament.  She didn't get any medals, and our school did not make it to State, but she had fun, and wants to do it next year, and that's a good thing.

Tomorrow there is nothing planned at all, which is nice.  Master does have to work, but not until later in the evening, so we will have some family time together.  And I can sleep in, which I'm REALLY looking forward to.  I felt exhausted all day today, and I don't know why.  I mean, I got up early, but I also went to bed fairly early too.

I guess that's it.  Sorry it was boring.  I'll need to start looking up blog ideas.

Happy Anniversary

16 years ago, Master and I got married.  And while we couldn't celebrate it the way either of us would have liked, we did the best we could, we went to Subway together on my lunch break.

But, I came home to find a card on my laptop.

I had a crappy day.  Not super bad, just one of those days where by the time the work day is done, all you want to do is crawl into bed and sleep until tomorrow.  I had stopped to pick up something for the kiddo and I to eat, and then stopped at a 7-11 for my favorite, Wild Cherry slurpee, which of course, was out of order.  So needless to say I was feeling down, and exhausted when I finally got home.

He had written the sweetest things in that card.  I cried.

I read it again, about an hour later, and cried again.

I have to say, I am so lucky to have him as a Master, a husband, and a best friend.

He is the only person in this world to know all my deep dark secrets, and the true me.  My true feelings about everything.  He has seen me at my very worst, and very best.  I can count on him for anything.  I know he will be there no matter what for me, just like our vows said.

He puts up with all my ideas, no matter how good or bad they are, and he encourages me to do my best.

I wish we could be together much more than we are, but we make the most of the time we do have together.

I love him, and I am looking forward to seeing where our road takes us as we travel together on the rest of our journey.

Wanting to want again

I had my ultra sound done today.  Not only did they do the external one, they did the vaginal one too.  THAT was not fun.  It wasn't as bad as the dreaded pap smear, but it sure was uncomfortable.

My doctor says he is going to figure out what is wrong with me.  I don't believe him.  I have had irregular cycles since I started my period at the age of 12.  I can have two a month, or none for a year and a half.  They are usually about 9 days long, and almost always super heavy.  So heavy I have to wear night time super pads all the time, except the last day or two.  I've had periods where the cramps are so bad I puke, or so light, I'm not sure if they are actually periods or just spotting.

And so far, all of the tests I've ever had in the past show nothing is wrong.

But he's going to figure it out.

I want a hysterectomy.

My only fear about that is losing my sex drive.

I used to have a really good one, but it's been gone for a while, and I'd like it back.

I miss wanting sex.

Master and I have play time, when we can, which is not often lately, but there was a time when I would want it every day, and ache for the times we could be together.  Lately, I don't even want it when we can be together.

Once I get going I'm fine, and we have GREAT sex, but I could honestly go with out it, and not miss it much.

I'm hoping my anti-depression meds help with that, but I have to be patient and see what they do.

But I miss being horny.  I used to write awesome porn, read porn, sext with Master, and long to be with him most of the day.  I can't wait to be like that again.

I want to want it.

Sleepy

Today was a long ass day.  I had to get to work at 7:45, we don't open till 9.  We were slow all day, I had to take a short lunch, and take it an hour before I normally do, which made the later part of the day seem longer.

I freaking started my period today.  Which really sucks, cause it's Master's day off, so we would have had a little private time tonight, but that's out.

I'm so tired, I can't even think straight, so tonight's going to be a shorty.