Pieces of me

There are many many different sides to me, that make me who I am.  I figured every so often, when I am feeling in touch with certain sides of me, I will go into more about them.

Tonight is my dark side.

I love horror, movies, books, tv shows, whatever.  I can't remember exactly when it started, but I do remember in elementary school, watching Maximum Overdrive, and Nightmare on Elm Street 4.

In high school I started reading Stephen King, then Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles.

I'm very into Vampires, and much to my Master's happiness, have been converted to a zombie fan as well, one of our favorite shows to watch together is The Walking Dead.

My all time favorite horror movie is a tie between Halloween, and The Shining (the original versions of both) and my favorite book is The Stand.

I don't know what it is that draws me to horror, I find I especially like it if the bad guy is witty, like Hannibal Lector in Silence of the Lambs, or if it's something that could truly happen, which is why I love The Stand.

I also find myself drawn to apocalyptic things, I enjoy thinking about what it would be like if the world would end, the collapse of society.  I think it would be wonderful to some extent.

My favorite monster is the vampire. I love vampires, there is something about them that I find sensual .

I will also admit I've been turned on by horror movies, Hostel 2 was a big one for that.

I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me, enjoying all the scariness, blood, gore, and evil.
But I do, I love being scared, I often have nightmares, and that is something that I enjoy too, when I have a really good one that makes me wake up with my heart pounding, can't go back to sleep right away, I think those are great.

I know I'm not alone with my enjoyment of them, or there wouldn't be such a big call for them.

Give me a good horror movie over a romantic type movie any day.  If there is something wrong with me for enjoying all this, oh well, it's part of who I am.

As long as Master knows this and still loves me (which he does) then I'm fine!

Monday's

Suck.

I hate Mondays.

I hate my job. I seriously need a new one.  I don't mind working, I just hate having to help a bunch of other people with their job.  And I can't say no.  I need a job where I just do my thing and that's it.  There's too many variables and stuff to do.  And if there is a customer I have to stop what I'm doing.  If I could just have to focus on customers I'd be fine, if I could just work on all the paper work stuff, that would be fine, but trying to wedge it all in in the same amount of hours that everyone else works.  I'm tired, I'm really really tired of this job.

I basically do the job of two people.  About a year ago, they cut a job, that was basically an assistant manager, and made a new position, which they gave me.  I do the job she did, plus the job I was already doing.  I did get a small raise, but she was salary, so she was paid well.  I'm paid ok, I guess.

The problem is, anything I could do, doesn't pay well, anything I would like to do, doesn't pay well.  Or, I would have to go back to school to get some sort of degree.

I'm tired of being responsible. I don't want to be anything but a peon, especially if I'm working in a corporation, but I'd honestly rather not work for a corporation anymore.

I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, and people have much worse jobs, or no jobs at all, but damn it, I want a job I enjoy.

Sundays

Sundays are a good and bad day for me.

Good, because I can, usually, sleep as late as I want, not shower, and bum around the house, or clean, or do whatever I feel like doing.  Today I spent much of the day working on a scarf I sold, and watching tv.  I love Sundays like this, Master and I just hanging out in the living room, watching our shows, just being.  Kiddo drifts in and out, sometimes watching tv with us, sometimes playing her keyboard, or hanging out in her room.  It's a day to relax.

And then, in the evening, Master heads off to work, and that's when my day starts to go to the bad side.  Master starts work late on Sundays, so he leaves at 6:30, and I know the day is winding down.  Which means I have to look forward to a new week of work.  Which I hate.  So I get bummed out.  It's even worse when I had to work Saturday, like I did this weekend.  The Saturdays I work, kiddo and I also go to church in the evening, so I'm barely home, giving me, basically, a one day weekend.

I know, I'm lucky to have a job, especially one with decent hours, paid vacations, sick days, federal holidays off, etc, etc.  But I don't like it.  I could, but working for the type of company I work for, it goes against so much of what I like to believe I am.  I work for a fairly big corporation, which means I have to dress a certain way, act a certain way, etc, etc.  And it's getting worse and worse the longer I'm there.  They want to me to push product on people, which I hate.  And it doesn't help that I really don't like the people I work with.  There are only 6 of us there, and truly, I don't like most of them.

So, tomorrow I go for blood work.  I can't eat after 8:30 tonight.  Tomorrow should be fun.  I have low blood sugar issues, and issues with having blood drawn.  Master is taking me, since I have been known to pass out after having blood drawn, and will drive me to work when it's done, I'm hoping I won't be too useless at work, although at the same time, I would love to have a reason just to sit at my desk and do nothing all day.

I also need to look into a therapist, the Dr gave me a list of mental health places when I was there and suggested I call one, I may look into that at lunch time, we'll see.

Well, I'm going to watch more Firefly until bed time, take my pills and eat until 8:30.

Happy Full Moon!

Midas Touch

I've got it, although it seems like everything I touch turns to crap.

I feel like crap right now.  I'm sure it's my new pills, I was warned they may upset my stomach.  They are.  I have had no appetite for the last two days, and right now, I feel like I could puke.  I ate something, hoping that would help, and I know soon the pills will knock me out, so I'll be asleep.

I also was warned that these new pills could make me suicidal for the first two weeks, while I don't feel suicidal, I am super down.

There is water all over the basement again, I ran a load of laundry, this time water went every where cause the wash tub over flowed.  I felt like I was making headway, with the upstairs being tidy, except the kitchen, which I was going to work on tomorrow, but now I feel like the house is a wreck.

The basement is my junk pile, there is so much crap just piled up on the floor all over the place, and now there are dirty/wet clothes and water all over the floor.

And while the house is tidy, I need to wash all the bedding, I haven't vacuumed in like two months, the bathroom needs a good scrubbing as does the kitchen.  But I'm never home.  And when I am, I'm too tired.

I feel like a worthless wife and mother.  To me that is what is important, being a wife and mother.  Being there for my family.  And I'm not.  I'm shit, I'm worthless.  I can barely function when I'm home, and that's not very much.

I really hope these pills work.  I need to feel better.  I need to be in a better mood and have more energy.  Things need to get better.

Bottoms up!

Well, today started off very rocky.  I fell in the basement.  I had taken the hose that drains the water from the washing machine out of the wash tub last night, and forgot, and started a load of laundry.  Yea, the first cycle of water was all over the basement floor.  I went down the steps,and didn't see the water cause it was dark and I went flying as soon as my foot hit the floor.

Work was alright today.  I work with people I don't really like, and am liking them less and less the longer I work with them, but the day went by ok.  

I also got to go out with one of my two friends that are not family.  I don't have very many friends, and that's fine by me.  KA used to work with me, but moved to a different branch, so we mostly text, talk on the phone a bit after work, and email during work.  It was nice to get to see her.  I know she needs to get out more.  I need to invite her to come visit here, or to do things that she can do and bring her son.  But I know she needs time away from him too.  We didn't do much, went to one of those mom's night out things where there are a bunch of people from different home sales trying to sell stuff, or get you to do a show.  But as she told everyone, we don't have friends...lol.  Then we went and got dinner.

I am all alone tonight, which is good and bad.  I don't mind it much, I like being by myself sometimes, I tend to get a lot more done around the house.  Although that won't happen tonight, cause it's late and I'm sleepy and have to work in the morning.

The bummer thing is, my kiddo has been asked to a few sleep overs lately, and Master always works on the weekends.  So we can't take advantage of the kiddo being gone and have loud wild kinky sex all over the house.

I wish things could be different, but I need to learn to make the most of how they are.

A beginning

So, in order to start building up our BDSM aspect of our relationship, I plan to send Master articles from time to time with ideas that I like or find interesting.  The first one I did the other night, and it was about writing assignments.  So, Master has told me that I need to journal daily.  I plan to do it here.  And do my best to keep up on it.  The tricky part will be to find a time when I can focus on it, before I'm too tired from the day.  Like right now, I can barely keep my eyes open, but I'm the only one awake in the house, and the tv is off, so I can focus.  Just wish I was more alert.

I started on meds  yesterday for anxiety, and depression.  I went to the Doctor, talked to him about how down I've been feeling and things I've thought and done, and he prescribed these, I'm really hoping they helped.  I also got my pap smear done.  I hate those, they are so painful.  And just, icky.

Work is work, I really don't like a few of my co-workers, but what can you do?  I'm just trying my best to do my job and plow through every day.

I think that's it for tonight.  Tomorrow I should be able to write more, DD is going to spend the night at a friend's house and Master is working, so once I get home, I have the house to myself.

I also think from now on, when I have blog ideas, I'm going to jot them down, so I can use them later, rather than forget them.

Pulled apart

I'm feeling lost and confused, and pulled apart in so many directions.

Let me start by saying March is a fucked up month for me all the time.  23 years ago, my step father at the time, fondled me.  That led to a few weeks of my debating on if it was an accident, or on purpose, if I should say anything or not.  Because it was my mothers birthday in the middle of the month, I kept my mouth shut until after her birthday.  And then I broke down and told some friends, who made me tell my teacher, and then it was out of my hands.  It turned out that he had been doing horrid things to my little sister for years.  And then all hell broke lose.  I don't remember a lot about those times.  My birthday is the 26th of this month as well, and we were living with my aunt and uncle during my birthday, my uncle was the only one who remembered, and bought me roses.  It was my 16th birthday.

Since then, March has been a shitty month for me.  Not on purpose.  It should be a great month, and some years go by with out too much trouble.  It's my birthday month, Master's birthday month, and our anniversary month.  It's spring, the beginning of the warm weather and the end of my winter blues.

But some Marches I'm a mess, I can barely function, no sex drive, no nothing.  I really hope this March is a good month.

Then there are all the things I want to do.  I want to write a novel, I have a few ideas, but I never have the time.  I want to study Wicca/witchcraft, and start practicing some, to see what I want to include in my spiritual path.  And I'm feeling really really lost there.  I believe in God, and I believe in Jesus, but I believe there is so much more possibility.  I want to honor and worship and use nature in my spirituality.  I want to use Crystal's and meditation, I want to have my cards, and aura read.  I want to learn about Chakra's and Reiki, and all the "new age" stuff.  But I have no idea where to start.

I want to learn more about being an empath, I want to develop my skills, to "protect" myself, and to help others.  To do readings and what not.

I also really really feel the need to be submissive, a slave.  To dive head first into BDSM, full time, no holds barred, to try everything I've ever wanted to.

I want to do so much and I feel like I don't even have the time to do normal day to day stuff.  I feel like I'm drowning.

I feel like there are so many roads to explore, and I'm stuck spinning my wheels.

I need help.